a random januar-ian update

Well, 2009 hasn't been overwhelmingly exciting. Here are some things worth discussing:

- I visited Keuka College and I'm in love. The campus is beautiful and small and perfect. The college is more family like then school like and that's what I want. I start there in the fall and if I keep my grades above a 3.0 I'll get a $5,000 award which I need.

- I'm very proud of myself for working out on a daily basis. I dont know where this sudden motivation to go to Ballys came from, but I'm enjoying it. I've been taking a Zumba class there and it's like a dance/work out class - SO MUCH FUN. Seriously, that may be why I keep going back to the gym. I hope I keep it up because if I do, I will look damn good in a bikini come summer.

- I am dissapointed however in my lack of writing and reading within the past couple weeks. Maybe it's because school is back in session and my time is lacking or maybe I'm just not as motivated. The story is there in my head, I'm just having issues getting it onto paper.

- I already signed up for my summer weeks at Camp Good Days: DAWG I and BEST. I really hope I get those two this year. Sometimes, they like to change it up, but since they know my recent situation with my brother - I hope they will just finalize me for those two weeks.

- Again, I feel like the past three months have been a sick nightmare. The fact that Matthew isn't here is still impossible to believe. When I say it out loud I don't believe it and when I think about him I can't picture him not alive. I'm afraid that people don't realize how tough this has been on me and how it wont get much better in the future. Sara always asks me how I'm so strong which reminds me that I am. Yet, I think others totally forget that I JUST lost my hero. I will always say that he recently died because it will always feel like yesterday.

the beginning again.

So I don't think that 2009 can be any worse then 2008. Really, the only thing worse then dealing with a sibling who is undergoing an eating disorder, having a fellow volunteer from Camp Good Days pass away, dealing with rivalry between my roommate and I and having my brother die is... well, nothing. I'm looking into this year with as much positivity as I have left within me. Here are some, well, resolutions you can say I've come up with:

1) Lose 10 pounds (I've already been working out practically every day)
2) Finish writing my book
3) Watch Matt's favorite movies, read his favorite books and live the way he did
4) Get scholarship(s) for Keuka College
5) Touch someones life

I can't promise myself or anyone anything, but I know I have to live life the way Matt would have wanted me to. I need to do what I believe is right and stand up for myself. I need to work hard at everything I do to the point where I'm absolutely content. I need to laugh more then cry and smile more then frown. Why? Because that's the way Matt would have wanted it.