"I think something is burning"

I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
And true, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home
- The Postal Service

It's strange. Everything seems to be going well for me but I still feel empty. I just had a cover story published in the Solvay Geddes Express. I just wrote another story for the Camillus Advocate. I'm able to go back to Camp. I've been going out a few times a week. But the reason I feel empty is because I'm missing people who have altered my life within the last year.

I'm missing someone I wish I wasn't. I'm missing him because he was always there but never was. He didn't go to my college but didn't live too far away. He would travel an hour out of his way to see me. We would laugh. We would just be ourselves. And yet, I feel lost. Maybe because he is so far away in so many ways right now. I know he doesn't know this is how I feel and truthfully, I don't even know why I'm feeling this way either. I really don't. But the thing that's killing me is that during the time we were around each other, I never even thought about the fact that he would be hanging out with other people. And now that the reality of that has set in, I'm falling apart. And I really wish I wasn't.

This weekend I went up to Lake Ontario with Calla again and as we were on Mike's boat, I read an article on Amy Winehouse. First off, I had always thought she sounded like a man. I never liked her eye make-up. And her hair always looked like there was a cat sitting on top of her head. However, I learned that people do what they do because of their past. In truth, Amy Winehouse and I have a lot of in common. I wont say what, but all you intelligent people should figure it out. She's had a tough past and has allowed her emotions out through song. Even if I despise some things about her, I learned from her article that you really can't judge before you know the reasons behind people's actions. And now, I haven't stopped listening to her manly sounding Rehab song for hours. Why? Just because now, I like her music.

I've been through darker days

Yesterday was CGD&ST volunteer orientation and being at the campgrounds made me realize how amazing people can be. I've been around people who haven't be the nicest towards me - insults, jokes, lies. But when I got to see the people I share time with while there, I realized that some of the greatest people on earth volunteer and work for Camp Good Days. I drove down with Erin and Julie from International week and it was great to see them. The first person I saw when I got onto the campgrounds was Brian - which was amazing. I forgot how awesome he was, even if he did get me in trouble. Actually, I got me in trouble. It's horrible that he wont be volunteering during Alumni week. But he better sneak into that week. Because without him, it wont be the same. No intense swinging sessions at night. It just wont work.

-

Lately, I just haven't been myself. Maybe it's because three years ago around this time, my dad left us. The actual day he told my mom was a couple days ago, three years ago. That day, I was in one of the worst moods of my life. I went for a drive and almost ran over a rabbit, got attacked by a bee while driving and got lost in cow town. That night, I went to look for the Solvay Geddes Express because my article got front page and I went all over town and couldn't find it and got another bloody nose on the way home while getting lost. Not a good time. I'm unhappy with my weight and it's getting to me heavily now. I need to lose weight. This isn't who I am. I saw Danny last night at Wal-Mart too and all of a sudden I couldn't help but think about everything that happened three years ago. How we were best friends, how we dated and how so much shit went down. Everything was just so dark and not good. Sure, now everything is much better, but the emotions stirring inside of me are not stable. I'm still not who I was before the separation. I still fake happy a lot and I still fear relapse. The mere fact that I think about my problem makes me realize that it's still there. That it hasn't dissapeared.

-

Things on my mind:

-Okay, I miss Gregory. A lot. I want to go down and visit him in Georgia even if he doesn't want to see me. Because I need to see him.

-I probably wont have a job this summer. Except for writing articles for the Advocate.

-Brian NEEDS to go to USA Alumni week. End of story.

-I miss my friends from MCC. They became a part of me and now they're just gone. Part of me is missing.

-I miss singing. I've been singing a lot lately and I need to go to a Kareoke or try out for something. 20% of me misses band-geek Jenni-Graham.

-I'm afraid of relapse.

'On my way to the middle ground'

Sometime this week, you will see an article reviewing Bishop Ludden's Graduation on the cover of the Solvay-Geddes Express and in the Camillus Advocate. Why? Because I was asked to write it and I did it well enough that it made it in not one, but two newspapers.


I'm psyched.


The End.

'dream another sunshine with you'

It's all the same, we all make mistakes
And if you didn't notice,
I'm taking this for all its worth
If it's a game, and these are the stakes
I know I got the best shot, for taking you out of the race
And every time I think of him it makes me sick
And I don't wanna know just what happened then
In the van right in front of my house
That's where you sold me out, girl
You didn't have a clue
- Save your Breath, Hit The Lights


Job situation: none. I've been putting in applications to lots of daycares, small newspapers and clothes stores - nothing. I'm making flyers for babysitting and I'm hoping that will do something to get me some money. I need it. If I could just get a damn agent... man, that would terrific. I'm too young.

Mono situation: It sucks. I'm on so many meds that if I even think about going out to drink I will probably explode. It doesn't feel like summer yet because I've been sick. Oh well, I better get better soon.

Car situation: My aunt is selling a 1996 Grand Jeep Cherokee for a good amount. So, if I ever do get a job I might be able to get it. In truth, I need one. Not just so I can say I finally have a car, just so I can run my own errands and do my own things without borrowing my moms van constantly. I need to research for my upcoming book and the only way I can get places to interview people would be in a car - my car.

Book situation: I'm working on it and to tell you the truth, this book is good. Much better technically then Addiction. Maybe it is just because my writing has changed and I am paying more attention to different audience views and opinions, but whatever it is - it's working. Here's a short summary/synopsis of the plot so far:

What do you do when your life seems to be slowly ripping at the seems? How do you react when the family you once thought was picture perfect, is now nothing but a ripping quilt - each patch from the past suddenly fading away?
Lylie Summers has never been one of the most well known girls at her school and in reality she had always dreaded High School and her upcoming senior year. When her parents unexplainably and suddenly decide to get divorced, Lylie doesn't know what to do. Should she concentrate on her own interests of photography or help her struggling younger sister who has quickly taken a turn for the worse by turning to drugs and perhaps suicide to cope?
But when a possible love interest shows some sort of attention towards Lylie, how can she trust him or her own instincts? How can she even try to love someone else when she can't love herself or trust the people around her who have broken all of her beliefs? What is really worth holding onto when it comes to a falling apart world - The love of others or the love of yourself?