the month from hell.

It has been a month since my brother passed away and it feels like it was just yesterday. I'm still numb to the fact that he is gone and am waiting for him to call or text or email me one of his goofy messages. I keep reminding myself that what happened this fall was real and it wasn't just an awful nightmare. However, I'm still just waiting to wake up.

I've been very unlike myself and I didn't expect anything less, really. I barely want to go out anymore or leave the apartment besides for school or work. Work is the highlight of my day. When I see the kids, it reminds me of what really matters in this world today and that is to help everyone survive. I barely ever want to drink and instead I have been so concentrated on the Twilight series that I have read the first two books within the past month (that's roughly 1,000 pages in 30 days - I'm usually a slow reader). I guess it drags me into a reality unlike my own and I can't help but be totally intoxicated by the story. I've also been writing alot and have written around 30 pages for my newest novel. It's good and I think that if I keep working hard that it will be a great success.

However, once I pause from my other reality, I go back to trying to pretend that the past month didn't happen and that Matt will walk through my door. I need someone to prove to me that there are such things as miracles and there are such things as spirits. Right now, I don't know what to believe.