'some facts are better left in the past'

I learned some spooky facts about my family the other night. I learned that what you see from the outside can't help you predict the burning from within. That's what I learned.

It seems to me that my family is just an ongoing line up of cheating, lying men. That divorce is just something that happens in life - even with my grandparents. I learned that my Pop pop divorced my grandma for another woman. This I never knew and never even imagined. I also learned that my grandmother then overdosed on pills and was sent to a phych ward for two weeks. This, again, I never thought was possible for a woman so strong on the outside.

Maybe this answered a few questions about my life not just in the past, but the present. Maybe this world is just full of untrustworthy and irresponsible men. Maybe, divorce can run in a family - no matter how stupid that sounds. And maybe, depression does too. My grandmother, my father, me. Maybe I am more like my grandmother then I ever believed. And it's truthfully scary to even think about that.

Many don't know the truth about my past, that I somehow found a way to cover up. If I've lived a life with cheating men - how will I ever grow up thinking I can find one who is not like that? How will I be able to trust someone who I fear will fall into the same footprints that the men in my past have? Maybe whatever higher power is up there, is just testing me. Trying to figure out what I can really live through. And maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll find a man who wont be like the ones I've been surrounded by for years and years.

And my grandmother will be watching, just nodding her head at how much we have both survived.