"Come home - keep me from these sleepless nights."

'But with you by my side
I can do anything
When we swing
We hang past right or wrong.'
Velvet Underground, I'm Sticking With You

I guess it's about that time where I should stop trying. Well, maybe not when it comes to everything - but to certain aspects of my life. I need to stop trying so hard to impress people. I need to stop trying to be someone I know I can't be. I need to stop being paranoid about the unknown. I need to stop pretending like I'm the strong one when really I'm the weakest. I need to start breathing again.

Risperdal and Celexa can't stop me from being who I am. Sure, maybe they alter it slightly, but it can't be that extreme because I haven't changed, I've only calmed down. I've been on them for three years and I still wonder to myself why I am still so nervous. Why I am still anxious and why I continue to look down upon myself. It isn't me, but the environment I bring upon myself. I make certain things happen and because of that I worry.

Here is an excerpt from Margaret Atwood's novel entitled Cat's Eye:
"Time is not a line but a dimension, like the dimensions of space. If you bend space, you can bend time also, and if you knew enough and could move faster than light you could travel backward in time and exist in two places at once."

My twelth grade creative writing teacher told me years ago to read this novel. I have only begun it, but I already see its beauty. The way Atwood creates imagery to her pages is flawless. She brings the reader into a world where they can picture a scene, a character, a vision clearly and without much thought but the words being brought to the page. I wish I could write like that. Sometimes, I think I can. Lately, I feel like I am still falling apart as a writer. I keep telling myself to keep going, keep going. I just can't get back into the story I have been composing.

I hate being in a rut.

kaleidoscope eyes.

You're the song that I sing out of tune.
You're the silver star beside a golden moon.
Sometimes I fall then you fall too.
But if you help me up I'll know this feeling's true.


I've pretty much become my own worst enemy. Perhaps this is just how I see myself at times, but I believe it to be a fact. I feel that everyone I enjoy the company of, I push away unintentionally. Maybe this is just because I can't trust anyone, men mostly, and I need to squint a little bit to see the situtation clearer. I get nervous, paranoid and anxious when in truth all I need to do is relax. So I lead myself to a dead end, a black hole, a brick wall. I end up in a place that is impossible to get out of.

Again, I am unable to write. Well, I am able to write, but my brain thinks other wise. I don't know why I can't just open up my novel and continue to create it. It's such a well written piece of prose and it kills me that I am having trouble with its continuation. It's probably all this stress getting to me: roommates, my sister, classes, men and keeping myself sane and together when all I want to do is fall apart. I guess everyone feels this way from time to time. I just want to know why I'm still feeling this everyday.

"Tangerine trees and marmalade skies."

With no secrets. No obsession.
This time I'm speeding with no direction.
Without a reason. What is this fire?
Burning slowly. My one and only.
Desire.
- Desire, Ryan Adams


Here's a little check-up on how 2008 has been treating me:
Movie: Across the Universe
Book: The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
Favorite class: Scriptwriting
Current job: Storybook Child Care
Monroe Doctrine written article: 'MCC Cliques' - published Feb/March
Song: Something - The Beatles and Coffee Shop - Landon Pigg
Drink: Sparks
Television show: Rock of Love and Gilmore Girls reruns
Restaurant: Panera Bread and Red Robin
Clothes: skinny jeans
Musician: Landon Pigg and Imogen Heap
Food: Lean Cuisines and salad
Author: Jodi Picoult

That's how 2008 has been treating me so far. It's been a rough few months, but I tried to pull some good out of it. I am still unable to move from page 135 of A Separation of Heart. I'm still in the process of clearing my mind so I can write well again. It's a frustrating task! However, it will be done.


By the way, Stacey and I finalized our apartment search. We move in on May 18th/19th.

just a memory now.

Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

Less then 1 year old:
- Was living in Hannibal, NY
- Cancer stricken
- Dark hair to no hair
- Practically lived in a hospital
- Had both parents around

First Grade:
- Was the Christmas Tree in a play
- Was living in Carthage, NY
- Had a crush on Caleb Arquit
- Best friends were Heather Fargo and Katie Schrader
- Had long, black hair and never brushed it

Third Grade:
- Moved to Syracuse, NY
- Cut my hair to below my ears and had big glasses
- Wore obnoxious dresses
- Too shy for friends
- Had a crush on Corey Giradono

Middle School:
- Made the musical all three years
- Got an outstanding singer award
- Began dating
- Dated Travis Matteson
- Best friends with Kylee Halliwell and Dana Flewelling
- Braces, glasses and didn't use gel or mousse in my hair

Junior Year:
- Parents got divorced
- Reputation for being a 'band geek' and 'the gym teachers daughter'
- Stopped caring about musicals and concentrated on ballet
- Became used to therapy and counseling
- Got cheated on by ex-boyfriend
- Put on meds
- Barely went to school
- Started drinking

First year in college:
- Entered MCC
- Became a partier
- Enjoyed being free
- Mother started dating
- Joined the college newspaper
- Became careless
- Gained 30 pounds
- Made amazing friends
- Relapsed
- Got a 2.7 gpa
- Completed my first written novel

Second year (so far):
- Got in a car accident
- Became the Opinion Editor for the college newspaper
- Calmed down - a little
- Got blamed for something I didn't do by other roommates
- Got confused about my career goal
- CGD&ST camper passed away
- Began writing another novel
- 3.1 gpa first semester
- Relapsed
- Started dancing again
- Worried about younger sister


Just a general overview.