a summer without the glitter.

So far this summer I have had:
- Pink eye
- Sinus infection
- Pink eye again
- Eye infection
- and now I have PNEUMONIA.

I thought that last summer was bad with me dealing with Mono and surgery for my sinuses. Now, I don't even know what to expect. I know I shouldn't be complaining because there are people much, much more worse off then me - like those sick with cancer. However, I keep asking myself, 'how much more of this will I be able to endure?'

Sometimes I look at myself and the mirror and feel ill. I don't like who I am and do not like who I am becoming. Sometimes I feel sick, dirty and disgusted when I look at myself because I know what I've put myself through is wrong. I want to change, but change is an obsticle that many have a hard time climbing. I always tell myself I need to do something to better my lifestyle - but I'm so lazy and forgetful that it always gets pushed to the side. I want to work out and make my health and body better. I want to stop drinking as much and making decisions I will dislike in the future. This summer has been different. I'm happy with myself because my social drinking has gone down. I'm thinking that's a good thing because now it is time to concentrate on what is in front of me so I wont fall back. But I don't even know what my future looks like. There is so much I want to do, but it will take so much time to get there. I NEED to go back to seeing a therapis weekly. That's for sure. I feel like I'm falling back and I do not like that - it scares me.

I'm still going to try to talk to Gonca, the turkish counselor from CGD & ST, and see if I could volunteer at their foundation in Turkey. I think that seeing a different lifestyle with different people and different rules would change me for the better. It would open my eyes to a world I've never been able to witness. I'd love that.