fitting into change.

This weekend I went to Baltimore. It was strange, not being there since Matt's death. The house felt different and I could tell that my dad and sister could feel it. He was there and it kills me to know that. He's everywhere in that house and I only wish I could see him one more time.

We went through some of his things: clothing, old car ticket records, school binders, bills. However, I realized that the more papers we flipped through, the more poetry we found. He would write haiku where a study guide should have been and we would find a love story written in verse where maybe he should have listened to the professor with a more intent ear. Yet, everytime I saw his writing and read a title and a date, I took it. If I couldn't get his original poetry book, I could at least make my own with what I was finding. Matthew was truly a remarkable man. The only time I really broke down was on the car ride home. My dad was telling us some extra tid-bits of information about Matt's last days and my barrier of strength collapsed. Every emotion I had been hiding came out for five minutes and I broke down. It felt good, but it felt awful because it meant that reality had struck me yet again and that my brother wasn't really on vacation or taking a long winters nap.

The truth makes me want to scream and scream and scream. I miss him so much.

His writing makes me wish I took the time to write more myself. I miss it and I miss the calmness that writing has brought me in the past. I think that I'm so distracted with everything else going on in my life right now that doing what I absolutely love is last on my priority list. Sad, but true. I'm trying to get myself back on my feet. I'm trying to put myself back out into the social world again, but of course not like I have in the past. I think I'm in a good spot right now and I hope it stays this way. In my life, contentness only lasts so long. I'm counting on it to last just a little bit longer then usual, though.


it's funny that when you grow up,
you grow into things that never
would have fit before.

((4 months and it feels like 4 minutes))

what is perfection?

What messes us up the most is that we all
have this perfect picture in our minds of how
things should be.

This quote just made me start crying. Weird, right? It's true that we all have standards of what we want our present and future to look like: get through college, get a job, get married, have kids, make money... live happily ever after. Right? What happens in between all the glimpses of perfection? What about the difficulty of getting to where you want to be? The heart breaks, the death? The pain of losing who you are or losing who you want to be?

I remember when I was younger, I thought I had it all. After I had cancer, I felt like I was free of pain for the rest of my life and that I would be able to live like any child, teenager or young adult would. I became numb to reality and only saw what made me smile and I guess that is good for a child - at the time. My first big splash of reality was moving to Syracuse when I realized I was alone for the first time in my life. I had no one except for my family at home. I had to start all over and for being a third grader - that can be tough. After that, middle school wasn't so bad. It truly was when the divorce happened that everything began to go downhill. My brady bunch family broke apart and I began to crumble. I realized that you can't believe everyone and everything you hear.

CGD & ST was the next wink of perfection I had - it gave me something to live for. It gave me hope in not only myself, but in the children who were dealing with something more intense then a divorce. My situation looked pathetic compared to their sickness. After that came the stress of senior year then my first year away from home. I look back and realize that I did have a lot of fun my first year at college... but I tend to regret over half of it. I became someone totally different and lost the genuine girl and I had somewhere in me. Instead, I became what I had always wanted to be - popular and crazy. Thankfully, sophomore year cooled me down a bit.

Now, my brother. His death will always leave me hanging on for words. I know that I can't go on acting as if my life is awful and horrible when there are kids dying and abusive families and other losses and sickness out there. Yet, this experience was what totally ruined my outlook on the 'perfect' future. I cannot have a perfect future without my brother. Now, I'm in a ditch and am trying so hard to climb out. People say I am doing so well and that they are more then impressed with the fact that I still remain positive. Yet, sometimes it is simply an act - like the act I put on when the divorce occured and when I became a crazy college student. We are all actors - it's just that we choose what scenes we want to include ourselves in.

All these thoughts came simply from that quote at the top. Little things can make something click and that is what just occured. It's hard for people to stop and really look ahead without seeing the stop signs and the blinking lights. Now, I am trying so hard to find Jenni Graham. I'm more myself then ever, these days, because nothing can make someone more real then losing a piece of them.

no new words of interest.

Well, there's nothing much for me to say right now.

Valentines Day is coming up and there are two reasons why I am not excited for February 14th:
1) Love pisses me off, especially when you are alone.
2) It will be the 4 month mark for Matthew's death.

I'm still in awe with the fact that my brother is gone. I know people are probably tired of hearing it, but it's true. This whole incident happened in the blink of an eye and all of a sudden - bam, he's gone. It sucks and it will takes years and years to get over it. In truth, I don't think I will ever get over it because it's impossible to forget someone who was such an idol in your life. I look at his pictures and still wonder to myself, 'Did this really happen?' I think I've run out of tears because when I want to cry or feel myself falling apart - I just can't crumble. Yet, when I do fall apart - it's a mess. I love him and always will and it kills me that he isn't here today.