fitting into change.

This weekend I went to Baltimore. It was strange, not being there since Matt's death. The house felt different and I could tell that my dad and sister could feel it. He was there and it kills me to know that. He's everywhere in that house and I only wish I could see him one more time.

We went through some of his things: clothing, old car ticket records, school binders, bills. However, I realized that the more papers we flipped through, the more poetry we found. He would write haiku where a study guide should have been and we would find a love story written in verse where maybe he should have listened to the professor with a more intent ear. Yet, everytime I saw his writing and read a title and a date, I took it. If I couldn't get his original poetry book, I could at least make my own with what I was finding. Matthew was truly a remarkable man. The only time I really broke down was on the car ride home. My dad was telling us some extra tid-bits of information about Matt's last days and my barrier of strength collapsed. Every emotion I had been hiding came out for five minutes and I broke down. It felt good, but it felt awful because it meant that reality had struck me yet again and that my brother wasn't really on vacation or taking a long winters nap.

The truth makes me want to scream and scream and scream. I miss him so much.

His writing makes me wish I took the time to write more myself. I miss it and I miss the calmness that writing has brought me in the past. I think that I'm so distracted with everything else going on in my life right now that doing what I absolutely love is last on my priority list. Sad, but true. I'm trying to get myself back on my feet. I'm trying to put myself back out into the social world again, but of course not like I have in the past. I think I'm in a good spot right now and I hope it stays this way. In my life, contentness only lasts so long. I'm counting on it to last just a little bit longer then usual, though.


it's funny that when you grow up,
you grow into things that never
would have fit before.

((4 months and it feels like 4 minutes))