my life - a series of unfortunate events.

Maybe some creepy old man didn't hang my baby sister out of a window or keep her in a bird cage or want to marry a family member, but my life is starting to seem like that book - a series of unfortunate events. Ironically, I had to read that for my childrens lit. class and ironically a couple weeks later another death occured in my family:

My Aunt Janet suffered a heart attack and passed away on April 26th, 2009. After hearing this news, the first thing that I thought of was: who's next? Seriously, people may think I'm awfully crazy by thinking this way, but after my brother dying and now my aunt, both within about 6 months, I'm just expecting another death. I feel guilty. I feel like I'm the one who should be dead - not Matt or Aunt Janet. I was sick when I was a baby and lived, but they both died so quickly and it's just unfair. Nothing is making sense and I'm just expecting the worse not. Someone may get in a car crash or someone will get another damn disease. Why didn't god or whoever make our bodies sickness-proof? It's just not right.

Lately, I can't keep my mind on writing one story. I've been jumping from one idea to another and now I'm on a totally new one. Who knows how far this idea will go - probably 30 pages and then I'll get bored. I just want to write something that tells a remarkable story.

I only have a few more weeks of school - thank god. I need to get away and be on the lake all summer and wake up to sun and water. Rochester has fucked me over this year and it's time for a change of scenery. This might mean a change in not only scenery, but in possible relationships and current friendships. However, if he or them believe I'm worth the distance - I'll be content.

the schedule before summer arrives.

Thank god that there are only a few more weeks of school left - at least after break there are only a few. I've already started slowly packing up my room, which isn't too depressing because I will be moving this room to the one at our camp on Otisco. I can't wait to be on the lake all summer. It's a new environment, a new place and hopefully this will give me a new mindset with more positivity. Being that the 6 month date was a couple of days ago, I know that Matthew would have loved the camp that we have. He would have thrown me into the lake and pissed me off and then would have drank with me until the sun came up the next morning. I'll just have to live for him as well as myself from now on.

I may be nannying this summer for three boys: a ten year old, seven year old and a one year old. I would be doing this Mon-Fri from wicked early to around 5:00. This would take over my life, but be legit money. Seriously, good pay. It wouldn't only look good on my resume, but give me a new type of patience that I haven't experienced while working at the daycares. I would feel like a mom, which is scary, but it's something that is worth trying out (ha). Hopefully I will hear from the family soon.

This is my schedule for next week (spring break):
- Open House at Keuka
- Sleep in =]
- Go down to Camp and bring some things for my room
- Watch Carly run track
- Go to CT then Long Island for a wedding =]

I do miss going to Myrtle Beach and Daytona, but really - it wouldn't be the same without Matt. He was ALWAYS there and I think that if I went down there, I would feel empty without him. Therefore, this spring break is good enough for me.

to blog or not to blog.

I may stop blogging on this because I think I'm the only one who actually reads it and checks in. Truthfully, it's good to get things off of my chest, but if no one is reading those things - why continue? Oh well, maybe a few more.

I miss Matthew Dennis Graham. I've been getting flashes of how he looked when he was laying helpless in the hospital and of how he coughed and choked on the trach the last time I saw him. I can still feel his cold skin as we played thumb wars for the last time - him winning even though he was in such incredible pain. I see him laying there on that hospital cot and laugh when I think of him flicking me off just so I could see Matthew shine through the being that lay before me. I still remember every call I recieved from my parents and how I felt after every one - my heart stopped and my body stilled and I choked on every breath. These feelings will never go away and it kills me that these are the last moments I had with my brother.