It's occured to me that you will never change. It's also occured to me that you choose what you find to be of most importance in your life - work. Work before friends. Work before others. Work before your daughter. No matter what the circumstance may be, it's always your career (the 3 or 4 that you have) before the 4 children that have waited years to see you alter into the father you need to become. We need you. More then life itself. Life without a father figure creates insecurities that can never be explained. It creates actions that no one else can regret but the person regretting them. It creates emotions that steer people in the opposite direction of love. Trust. Life.
If only you knew how much you have hurt me and crushed my heart and soul. You will never know. Why? Because you only care about what is best for you. And at this moment - it is not your family. It's work.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
'you're just a whore, nothing more. Sorry that will never change."
Sell me out I'm yesterday's old news,
phrases left on paper, black ink bleeding through
the pages where we made our history.
Call me foolish,
I feel hopeless...
Like a dear caught in the headlights
I won't know what hit me...
Running from lions,
never felt like such a mistake
- All Time Low, Running From Lions
It's strange that the summer is finally coming to a close. The sun is setting earlier; the air is becoming hazy. I've been packing up boxes for the past couple of days and it hasn't occured to me yet that I will miss this summer - because I wont. I've come to realize that High School is just a test. A bubble in scantron that if you get a few questions wrong, you can't make it up. Until college. I failed all those damn tests in High School and last year I made up for lost time. But High School is a different story. I was a band geek (even though I didn't enjoy it with much enthusiasm). I was the gym teachers daughter (coming into HS with an already made reputation). I cried during class (showing my insecurities and frowned upon embaressments). I had many aquaintances. Only a few friends that I would keep forever.
I guess that's how I saw it, at least. The stereotypical view of High School. However, college helped me start over and perhaps that is why I love it so much. Last year I stopped caring about what others thought about me when I walked down the hall. I tried to keep my chin up and to not be afraid to say hello to an aquaintance that may turn into a friend. I lived in a different setting, where I could make my name known (sometimes in a not so good way). I can't say I'm 'popular' now, because really - that's not what I want. I just wanted to be content with being Jenni - a quirky, goofy girl. And the fact that I'm leaving behind a summer so boring and walking back into a world I know too well - only makes my excitement roar louder.
The other day, I visited one of my campers from CGD with Ryan and Katie. Angela, a 14-year-old who is suffering greatly from Ewings Sarcoma, came with us as we took over Chuckie Cheese and Target for a day. It was great to see her doing so well and having so much fun, even thought I knew she was suffering so much. She had told me earlier that week that her doctors said she only had a week or so left. That idea killed me. I needed to visit her. So I rounded up the troops and we took a roadtrip to see her for the day. Today she is in Las Vegas because her Make A Wish came in. That's good and bad. It's great because she is there yet it is horrible because the Make A Wish Foundation only grants the wishes of people who are terminal. God bless her and I hope to god her tumor stops suffocating her body. She's too good of a soul to send away.
phrases left on paper, black ink bleeding through
the pages where we made our history.
Call me foolish,
I feel hopeless...
Like a dear caught in the headlights
I won't know what hit me...
Running from lions,
never felt like such a mistake
- All Time Low, Running From Lions
It's strange that the summer is finally coming to a close. The sun is setting earlier; the air is becoming hazy. I've been packing up boxes for the past couple of days and it hasn't occured to me yet that I will miss this summer - because I wont. I've come to realize that High School is just a test. A bubble in scantron that if you get a few questions wrong, you can't make it up. Until college. I failed all those damn tests in High School and last year I made up for lost time. But High School is a different story. I was a band geek (even though I didn't enjoy it with much enthusiasm). I was the gym teachers daughter (coming into HS with an already made reputation). I cried during class (showing my insecurities and frowned upon embaressments). I had many aquaintances. Only a few friends that I would keep forever.
I guess that's how I saw it, at least. The stereotypical view of High School. However, college helped me start over and perhaps that is why I love it so much. Last year I stopped caring about what others thought about me when I walked down the hall. I tried to keep my chin up and to not be afraid to say hello to an aquaintance that may turn into a friend. I lived in a different setting, where I could make my name known (sometimes in a not so good way). I can't say I'm 'popular' now, because really - that's not what I want. I just wanted to be content with being Jenni - a quirky, goofy girl. And the fact that I'm leaving behind a summer so boring and walking back into a world I know too well - only makes my excitement roar louder.
The other day, I visited one of my campers from CGD with Ryan and Katie. Angela, a 14-year-old who is suffering greatly from Ewings Sarcoma, came with us as we took over Chuckie Cheese and Target for a day. It was great to see her doing so well and having so much fun, even thought I knew she was suffering so much. She had told me earlier that week that her doctors said she only had a week or so left. That idea killed me. I needed to visit her. So I rounded up the troops and we took a roadtrip to see her for the day. Today she is in Las Vegas because her Make A Wish came in. That's good and bad. It's great because she is there yet it is horrible because the Make A Wish Foundation only grants the wishes of people who are terminal. God bless her and I hope to god her tumor stops suffocating her body. She's too good of a soul to send away.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
"Neon city lights && a constant bloody nose"
Now that I'm not glued to my bed - I'll update.
NYC was outstanding. Just being in the city with absolutely no rules, regulations or a constant schedule - allowed me to stop and breathe for a moment. And actually having the time to spend a day or so with my dad was probably a decent thing for me as well. It has been months, years since I had a vacation with my father. Most of the time I never wanted to spend a moment with him until made - but this was different. He's a good person, whether I try to convince myself otherwise. He's made bad decisions. Horrid decisions that practically cost me my life. But he's trying so hard to make my sister and I love him like we used to. Even though he bought us quite a bit of clothes and souvenirs, brought us to see Rent on Broadway (which was excellant) and dealt with Carly and my constant goofiness and the urge to run after people with stollen designer purses - I will still never love him the way I used to. You may think I sound absolutely selfish, but that's just what happens when part of you has been ripped out and thrown away. You can't find it. But if part of that thrown away part of me is found someday and mended back into my skin - maybe I will slowly step back towards loving my father. And I really hope I trip over a lost part of my heart soon, because it's hard not having a father.
Surgery. Surgery is probably the easiest way to explain pain. Hell, is the best description. It's weird, knowing I had so many surgeries as a child. From chemo to radiation to everything - it's strange that a simple Sinoplasty (or whatever it's called) can feel 20x worse then cancer. Maybe it's because the pain is still on the edge of my fingers. Who knows. But waking up from anesthesia with a cotton mask wrapped around your face and practically a whole roll of toilet paper stuffed up your nose is not the most pleasant of feelings. I don't even remember the rest of Monday. I slept the day away, waking up every hour because I was in so much pain. The day after, the cotton was removed and holy-hell that was the scariest thing yet. Seriously, I didn't know that much shit could be stuffed up your nose. Not fun. So now I'm here. Finally able to type on my computer. I'm stubborn enough to have stuck my nose ring back in. Half way at least - it's still too swollen to see if it made it through to the other side. Probably not.
Monroe Community College is practically here. Well, maybe a little over a week away but I can feel it growing nearer. I went shopping today and got some new things. Friday I will go all out school/dorm shopping at Target aka thebeststoreever. I made a few photo collages and began digging through the boxes I swear I just packed up. I'm still on the search for a poster of Zach Efron. No joke, I need to find one. I want to be more organzied this year. Actually no, I NEED to be more organized this year. I have a busy schedule. From working at the RAC tuesdays and thursdays to being the Opinion Editor to having a full load of classes - I need to be prepared for the work I have brought upon myself. But I like having schedules. They keep me on track. Maybe that's what my summer missed - having a plan every day. But at this moment, my plan is to get ready for my life to start again. For my world to be surrounded by people, places and things I have missed and loved. This summer has been a nothing summer. This summer has proved to me what High School means. If you are a no one in high school - your summers at home will be nothing. But the people who do show up will mean the world. And those few who I did see this summer - I thank dearly.
NYC was outstanding. Just being in the city with absolutely no rules, regulations or a constant schedule - allowed me to stop and breathe for a moment. And actually having the time to spend a day or so with my dad was probably a decent thing for me as well. It has been months, years since I had a vacation with my father. Most of the time I never wanted to spend a moment with him until made - but this was different. He's a good person, whether I try to convince myself otherwise. He's made bad decisions. Horrid decisions that practically cost me my life. But he's trying so hard to make my sister and I love him like we used to. Even though he bought us quite a bit of clothes and souvenirs, brought us to see Rent on Broadway (which was excellant) and dealt with Carly and my constant goofiness and the urge to run after people with stollen designer purses - I will still never love him the way I used to. You may think I sound absolutely selfish, but that's just what happens when part of you has been ripped out and thrown away. You can't find it. But if part of that thrown away part of me is found someday and mended back into my skin - maybe I will slowly step back towards loving my father. And I really hope I trip over a lost part of my heart soon, because it's hard not having a father.
Surgery. Surgery is probably the easiest way to explain pain. Hell, is the best description. It's weird, knowing I had so many surgeries as a child. From chemo to radiation to everything - it's strange that a simple Sinoplasty (or whatever it's called) can feel 20x worse then cancer. Maybe it's because the pain is still on the edge of my fingers. Who knows. But waking up from anesthesia with a cotton mask wrapped around your face and practically a whole roll of toilet paper stuffed up your nose is not the most pleasant of feelings. I don't even remember the rest of Monday. I slept the day away, waking up every hour because I was in so much pain. The day after, the cotton was removed and holy-hell that was the scariest thing yet. Seriously, I didn't know that much shit could be stuffed up your nose. Not fun. So now I'm here. Finally able to type on my computer. I'm stubborn enough to have stuck my nose ring back in. Half way at least - it's still too swollen to see if it made it through to the other side. Probably not.
Monroe Community College is practically here. Well, maybe a little over a week away but I can feel it growing nearer. I went shopping today and got some new things. Friday I will go all out school/dorm shopping at Target aka thebeststoreever. I made a few photo collages and began digging through the boxes I swear I just packed up. I'm still on the search for a poster of Zach Efron. No joke, I need to find one. I want to be more organzied this year. Actually no, I NEED to be more organized this year. I have a busy schedule. From working at the RAC tuesdays and thursdays to being the Opinion Editor to having a full load of classes - I need to be prepared for the work I have brought upon myself. But I like having schedules. They keep me on track. Maybe that's what my summer missed - having a plan every day. But at this moment, my plan is to get ready for my life to start again. For my world to be surrounded by people, places and things I have missed and loved. This summer has been a nothing summer. This summer has proved to me what High School means. If you are a no one in high school - your summers at home will be nothing. But the people who do show up will mean the world. And those few who I did see this summer - I thank dearly.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
"Would you wait if I came running home to you?"
And tonight I walk through an empty street
With my shadow stretching in front of me
When my lonely thoughts meet my lonely feet
And the cold reminds me that I've chosen this life
- Sherwood, The Town That You Live In
Being back in MCC for the past few days has given me the strength and thrill in life that I have been missing. The excitement of being around people I truly have fun with and being surrounded by a familliar atmosphere just makes me that much more excited for this school year to begin. The past few days I have been working at the Monroe Doctrine for over 6 hours each day. Truthfully, even thought it is tiring, hard working writing so many articles each day and learning layout - I'm really enjoying it. Being Opinion Editor gives me so much more power when setting up the newspaper. Today (Wednesday) I was at the office from 9am - 7pm. I worked the orientation and tried to recruit some people, some which I don't think will really help out. I've learned that I like being a leader. I like being the one who hands out article leadsheets and I like being the one to recruit new writers. Tomorrow is my last day in Rochester until I come back for the semester on Septemeber 4th. I hope to see Sara tonight or tomorrow, because I miss her dearly and we need to get some dorm stuff. I've been hanging out with Kasey everyday and she just makes my life just that much more memorable. We drank wine the first night, went to the movies with Sarah and Vanessa last night and went to Panera today. A bunch more people have been trying to get ahold of me but I've been really too busy this week to hang out or go out with them all. I can't wait until school starts. It's where I'm truly happy.
This weekend I am going to NYC with my dad and Carly. It should be fun. But the days following will be horrid. I have surgery on Monday and then two doctors appointments the following days. I want to go see Greg on Thursday but my doctor said I can't drive within the first week of recovery. That makes me extremely depressed. I haven't seen him all summer. It's seriously something I'm going to do, whether or not those damn doctors say I can or can't. Then Suzy's party is on friday and I know I will be going to that, even if I got cotton balls in my nose.
Oh yeah, I got a car. It's a silver taurus SES with a cd player and leather seats. Oh and by the way, the battery died on Monday morning before my first session at the MD. It took me three hours, three cups of coffee and $200 before I got it back later that day. But I like it and am glad I finally have something to drive myself places in.
MCC = love
Can't wait!
With my shadow stretching in front of me
When my lonely thoughts meet my lonely feet
And the cold reminds me that I've chosen this life
- Sherwood, The Town That You Live In
Being back in MCC for the past few days has given me the strength and thrill in life that I have been missing. The excitement of being around people I truly have fun with and being surrounded by a familliar atmosphere just makes me that much more excited for this school year to begin. The past few days I have been working at the Monroe Doctrine for over 6 hours each day. Truthfully, even thought it is tiring, hard working writing so many articles each day and learning layout - I'm really enjoying it. Being Opinion Editor gives me so much more power when setting up the newspaper. Today (Wednesday) I was at the office from 9am - 7pm. I worked the orientation and tried to recruit some people, some which I don't think will really help out. I've learned that I like being a leader. I like being the one who hands out article leadsheets and I like being the one to recruit new writers. Tomorrow is my last day in Rochester until I come back for the semester on Septemeber 4th. I hope to see Sara tonight or tomorrow, because I miss her dearly and we need to get some dorm stuff. I've been hanging out with Kasey everyday and she just makes my life just that much more memorable. We drank wine the first night, went to the movies with Sarah and Vanessa last night and went to Panera today. A bunch more people have been trying to get ahold of me but I've been really too busy this week to hang out or go out with them all. I can't wait until school starts. It's where I'm truly happy.
This weekend I am going to NYC with my dad and Carly. It should be fun. But the days following will be horrid. I have surgery on Monday and then two doctors appointments the following days. I want to go see Greg on Thursday but my doctor said I can't drive within the first week of recovery. That makes me extremely depressed. I haven't seen him all summer. It's seriously something I'm going to do, whether or not those damn doctors say I can or can't. Then Suzy's party is on friday and I know I will be going to that, even if I got cotton balls in my nose.
Oh yeah, I got a car. It's a silver taurus SES with a cd player and leather seats. Oh and by the way, the battery died on Monday morning before my first session at the MD. It took me three hours, three cups of coffee and $200 before I got it back later that day. But I like it and am glad I finally have something to drive myself places in.
MCC = love
Can't wait!
Sunday, August 5, 2007
"you've got magic in your fingertips"
Catch up:
1) Wedding this weekend in Plattsburgh
2) MCC August 13th-17th - Monroe Doctrine issue 1 layout
3) NYC w/ Dad and Carly weekend of the 18th
4) Nose/sinus surgery the 20th
5) Yearly check-up on the 22nd @ University
6) Finally get to see Gregory on the 23rd!
7) Possibly Buffalo the weekend of the 25th
8) Fair with camp people
9) RETURN TO MCC on the 2nd (I believe)!
So, now that you all know the rest of my life... yeah. The one thing I'm most excited about is what I have to wait until the end for - school. Isn't it crazy that I am more excited for returning to MCC then the fair? I find that odd. I don't know, maybe it's because I've had a quiet summer - mainly because a) my aquaintances are in Syracuse and b) my friends are in Rochester. That's really that.
I'm not much for words right now. Or lately, to be truthful. I haven't written much lately. I guess I'm having major writers block - a month long of it. I've been cranky lately and I think it's because I haven't been writing. But since I am going to be extra busy this month, I don't know when I will have much time to finish or get close to done with my second book. Oh well, I know I will have time.
It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes i always know
that you make me smile please stay for a while now
just take your time where ever you go
- Bubbly, Colbie Caillat
1) Wedding this weekend in Plattsburgh
2) MCC August 13th-17th - Monroe Doctrine issue 1 layout
3) NYC w/ Dad and Carly weekend of the 18th
4) Nose/sinus surgery the 20th
5) Yearly check-up on the 22nd @ University
6) Finally get to see Gregory on the 23rd!
7) Possibly Buffalo the weekend of the 25th
8) Fair with camp people
9) RETURN TO MCC on the 2nd (I believe)!
So, now that you all know the rest of my life... yeah. The one thing I'm most excited about is what I have to wait until the end for - school. Isn't it crazy that I am more excited for returning to MCC then the fair? I find that odd. I don't know, maybe it's because I've had a quiet summer - mainly because a) my aquaintances are in Syracuse and b) my friends are in Rochester. That's really that.
I'm not much for words right now. Or lately, to be truthful. I haven't written much lately. I guess I'm having major writers block - a month long of it. I've been cranky lately and I think it's because I haven't been writing. But since I am going to be extra busy this month, I don't know when I will have much time to finish or get close to done with my second book. Oh well, I know I will have time.
It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes i always know
that you make me smile please stay for a while now
just take your time where ever you go
- Bubbly, Colbie Caillat
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