"Stuck between trust, belief and the right thing to do."

I'm beginning to feel trapped inside my own skin. Again. I'm feeling helpless and weak - not the usual lively and energetic person I remember from the past. Perhaps it is because I'm learning that I can never trust - even the people I'm supposed to from the start. I don't know what I do wrong - if anything at all. I'm kind and caring and never try to hurt anybody's feelings. Yet, my two brand new roommates decide to blame me for stealing - an act I would never be a part of. Since they decided to blame me without any questioning or evidence, they took some of my own food and poured it around the hall, taking photos of them doing it as if it were a joke. I don't understand why they would automatically point a finger at me because I never would do something to them in such an immature and childish manner. I truly would never do anything like that to anyone, really. When I overheard their conversation - I felt trapped, not only inside my own skin, but inside the one place I'm supposed to call home during my school year. I confronted them in the nicest way possible - because I really can't be mean even if I tried. I felt like I was being attacked for something I was never apart of. I hate this. I hate this emotion known as fear because it's the one emotion I'm so used to returning. Now it has.

Lately, I wish that I could just travel to California or England or Maryland to just work on my writing. I hate school, not MCC, but the whole idea of classes and tests and unneeded and unwanted work. I just wish I could get an agent and get my book published with the snap of my fingers. Life isn't that simple and I know what for sure. Simple is when you read directions and the outcome is perfect. Simple is when you wake up in the morning and your class is canceled. Simple is when you hear your phone vibrate and it is a text message from the one person you were hoping it was from. Life isn't simple. It can't be.

If crushes were simple, they wouldn't be crushes at all. They would be relationships. That's why crushes continuously crush you even when they don't mean to. But then, they confuse you when they want you near constantly - their arms holding onto your body with strength. But then the word crush comes back around because you can't tell what you and him truthfully are. That's why it is called a crush.



Here is an excerpt from the latest chapter of A Separation of Heart:

Lylie turned around and walked towards him, staring at the enlarged painting behind the futon. It was one that she seemed to have not noticed; yet now she couldn’t help but stare. It was a framed painting, the strokes quite harsh and quick. The picture was of a man with his head balancing on top of his right palm with a bottle of some sort of unknown liquor being held in the left. The man’s eyes were dark and shadowed, the interior almost as black as the bags that slept beneath. He had longer, almond colored hair that went just below his ears – not quite as dark as Noah’s but quite similar. His mouth was down turned and his left hand held tightly to the bottle, purple veins protruding from his rough looking hand.
“Is this a picture of you? It looks like an older version of yourself,” Lylie asked. However, Noah remained silent, his head shaking slowly.
“No.”
“Oh. Then who is it?” Lylie asked. Noah turned his glance to Lylie, his eyes almost identical to the ones on the painting; all except for the heavy bruise he was wearing instead. He looked up at the painting and then towards Lylie once more – his breathing tense.
“It’s my father,” Noah said. Silence grew thick between the two of them and even though the air seemed raw, Lylie slowly tried to put the puzzle together – each piece seemingly wrong.