another year, another wish

Did you forget that yellow bird?
How could you forget your yellow bird?
She took a small silver wreath and pinned it on to me
She said this one will bring you love
And I don't know if it's true but I keep it for good luck
- Bright Eyes, We Are Nowhere, And it is Now

Sleeping pills, no sleeping dogs lie never
Far enough away
Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I’ve watched you slowly winding down for years
You can’t keep on like this
Now is as bad of time as any
- Imogen Heap, Speeding Cars

'Music brings to life a world that no one can truly describe.
It takes you from a harsh reality and switches your gaze
To one that is less harmful, less guilty.
Music releases you to a world where everything surrounding you
Is nothing but true.'

2008 will bring:
- Another finished novel - better than Addiction
- A healthier, slimmer me (15 pounds lighter, I hope)
- Above a 3.0 GPA
- More therapy sessions
- Confidence

I recieved another email from Jodi Picoult. I asked her about organization when it comes to writing - for I have been feeling like my work is not organized enough. This was her answer:

Jenni, for organization, a lot of the answer is practice - I write plots out and let the story percolate, and then I do tons of research ahead of time, and by the time I get to write it's all very organized in my mind. Sometimes it helps to plot out characters - their likes and dislikes, etc. Don't let yourself get hung up, though - concentrate on telling the story. It WON'T come out perfectly the first time, that's a given - so just plow through it and THEN go back and make your changes!
Jodi Picoult

band-aids for the scratches.

I hope...
That my Christmas is practically drama-free. I know I cannot say it will be absolutely drama-free because that would be insane. Nothing is perfect. Families can try their best to be perfect - but perfection is unattainable. No matter the circumstances.

I'll try...
To be a better, more confident person throughout the winter season and into the new year. I need to find a good, happy medium where I don't just feel content but feel true to myself with every decision I make. I need to try harder to grab onto a future goal - whether it be getting better grades, figuring out a career path or just being a happy individual.

I want...
To lose 10 pounds to become more confident. To change up my hair or my style, just to release some locked energy. To finally talk to my father about how badly he screwed up... excuse me, changed my life. To drink less and excersice more often. To finish the book I am writing by Spring Break and begin sending to agents by the summer.

I wish...
I could trust people. From family to friends to men - I just can't. I want to find someone who I can have a decent and carefree relationship with. I'm sick of searching and flirting around at parties just waiting to be let down. I wish I could trust myself, trust my instincts and trust the fact that someday, if something is meant to be - it will happen.


In life, you have to wait.
Because jumping to conclusions
Is just as bad as jumping to your death.

what is this season really all about?

Sometimes I think I am too nice. Some people may not believe me, but I certainly do. I put others before myself all the time to the point when I'm completely dumbfounded about my own life. I care about how other people feel before I let myself even think about me. I don't like when people hate me. I get nervous when people like me. So what can I truly be content about when it comes to myself?

So, again, another Holiday season is here. Another month of no money to buy anyone anything, couples spending too much time together and our family fighting to figure out what to do about Christmas day. Divorce ruins traditions - no matter what my sister wants to say, it does. It's been three years, three Christmas's with the same traditions since I was born. Now, however, I still like the traditions but wish there were two Christmas days - one with my dad, one with my mom. I don't like sharing it and opening gifts with them both and eating breakfast and dinner together. It shouldn't be like that anymore and when we are all together, pretending nothing ever went wrong, it makes everything so much worse.

I don't like school. Maybe all this negativity is just because it's cold and snowy, but I'm sick of doing all this work for nothing. I'm tired of learning about statistics when nothing will come of it in my future. I'm tired of having to be surrounded by stubborn stares and annoying voices. But I guess no matter what I do or where I go, nothing will change. People will still have opinions and people will still sound annoying and stare through you. I guess that is just the world we live in. Sad, isn't it?