let your dreams grow on your fingertips

I like pretending I'm in a film - a romantic comedy, a drama without any. The words wash over me like a cool breeze during a New York City summer. The movements become so realistic, the actor's skin brushing onto my own like leaves onto the emerald grass below. It becomes so perfect. It becomes so right.

The film becomes my life and it begins to drift away. It turns into a dark comedy, a romance without any. The words become my own and fall off of my tongue like peas rolling out of a pod. It doesn't seem to fit. The grass turns into sawdust and blends in with the wind, carrying it to a different city.

For this city was never a place for a romantic film. I just don't seem to fit the part of the lover.


I'm beginning to think that my life is going backwards - maybe in a good way. I miss the days when he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not were wished upon the petals of a rose or just standing near that someone makes you nervous like a child. I feel like that feeling may be making it's way back. The remaining question is: is it okay for me to fall backwards again when moving ahead has always been my goal?

I'm just a blackbird.

I feel trapped. Okay, it's cliche - but it's how I feel. I found out that I will be staying at MCC for probably another year when I thought I would be out this fall with my Associates Degree. I feel like I will never truly know what I want for my future and when I do have it all figured out, something will be missing or out of place. I love this college, there's no doubt about that, but I do not want to be here for more then three years and I worry I will mess something up along the way to make me fall behind.

The newspaper wants me to be editor-in-chief next semester and I somewhat agreed to it today after hearing about my future stay at MCC. I'm still re-thinking my choice - editor-in-chief is a lot of work and I already have my hands full when it comes to the Opinion section. Ideally I want to become lifestyles editor, but editor-in-chief would look much more impressive on a resume. This too is adding more stress to the growing pile.

Men suck. Yes, I said it and I never think twice about that statement. They're all so hypocritical and that is the reason for the female species being afraid to trust them. They say one thing and then turn their back on it. I wish I could find someone - or someone to find me. It isn't that I need to find a man, it's that I want to feel what it is like to be wanted and to be cared about. I forgot what it feels like to be missed and to be treasured. I am starting to believe I may never find the ideal man. In truth, I think there is no such thing.


She walked through the desert - through the sand that barried her toes in dead heat. She crumbled beneath the sun, melting with it's violent and wretched rays. They were pointing at her and at a body that seemed to be pealing along with the rattlesnakes - her skin flaking into the core of the fire beneath her feet.

She fell onto her knees, the sand swimming into her eyes just to find a single drop of water. It rolled down her cheek, digging a crevice into the sand that vanished in an instant. She wanted to dig that hole up and climb into it's depths to curl within it like a blanket never used. She wanted to cover herself with the warm fleece until the night cooled. She would then climb out and sit upon the sand, listening to the silent sound of peace.

The world she knew had forgotten that sound and even at that moment she could barely find a noise that resembled it.

there will be an answer, let it be.

"Living is easy with eyes closed,
misunderstanding all you see.
It's getting hard to be someone
but it all works out.
It doesn't matter much to me."
- Across The Universe, Strawberry Fields


I've always tried to live my life in the simplest form it can possibly be lived to. I tell myself to always be kind and to love those who are different. I've grown up understanding people's faults and allowing their faults to grow upon my own skin. I've learned that war is wrong and stupid and selfish. I've taught myself that love can't be created but has to be found.

Across The Universe is a movie about how people live their lives to the simplest way they can but get stuck in the middle of something so wrong that they wonder how they got there in the first place. Everyone deals with that feeling. Some throw it to the side and try to forget it while others hold onto it until the day they die. This movie has every aspect of humanity within it: war, love, rebellion, friendship, racism, trust and symbolism of what life is supposed to look like through the eyes of someone so unsure about their own. Every character goes through a transition, whether or not that transition works out for the best. Just like in life, everyone goes through different stages. Whether it consists of drugs and sex or work and family - every stage changes the person for the better.

This movie proves that point correctly.

My life isn't all just sunshine and glitter - it's fucking hard. Who's life isn't that way? I've had to deal with my own personal war against myself for years as well as trust issues, family issues, mental issues and the theory of life versus death. Everyday I continue to fight within myself about whether or not it's worth the battle. It always is. If I didn't think twice about a single thought or action then something could go terribly wrong and regret would follow. Of course I want love, who doesn't? But I can't just sit around and wait for it to knock me off of my feet. Just like in Across the Universe, Jude and Lucy don't always agree but come together because of their disagreeing past.

No one's perfect. I just need to find someone who can prove to me that they are at least trying.

one drop to spare.

Three good movies worth seeing:
- Sydney White
- Crash
- Shawshank Redemption

Sure, they are all totally different films - but they all circle around individuality and how it's hard to be yourself during any circumstance.


The snow hit the pavement like pieces of broken glass - nails trying to break through the ground to reveal the inside warmth. There was always warmth hidden inside such a cold exterior - as if ice never melted until someone walked by with a flickering orange flame. Each flicker of the flame represented existance and the fire represented the cruelty behind it.

My bare feet fell upon the broken glass, the snow feeling as clever as fire. My skin felt raw, numb. My body became as hollow as an empty bottle being thrown to the side with one drop left to spare. No one ever finished that one drop for it never tasted as refreshing as the ones that came before it. That last drop never had the time of day, never breathed in that dose of fresh air for it got used to the hard, cold ground as it's substance.

It wished too for warmth in an environment so frozen with fright.

My feet scraped the ground, pebbles calling my skin their home. The snow fell onto my eyelids - one, two, three flakes taking a moment to rest. I turned my palms upright, trying to grasp onto the realism that the snow was creating - or trying to at least. I felt the realism. I felt the warmth behind the cold. I felt the fire within the ice. I wore the snow like a silver coat.

But that coat couldn't protect me from being the last drop in the bottle. Only a flickering flame could dry me up.

my own personal postsecret.com

CHECK OUT WWW.MONROEDOCTRINE.ORG!
I am the opinion editor for the MCC newspaper and now with this website up and running, whoever reads this blog can check out some of my articles. I also write for the lifestyles section. Enjoy!

Since recently discovering a website and book called PostSecret, in addition to writing an article for the paper about the interesting book, I will share some of my insecurities as well:

These are just some, but hey - why not!

- I wish I had been born with straight, blonde hair
- I love to write but am afraid that I will never be good enough
- I'm afraid my friends pretend to like me but really don't
- I think I'm fat and I absolutely hate it
- I wish I could get a job with an associates degree
- I am still working on overcoming my past/present 'habit'
- I miss singing and being in musicals
- I try so hard to make my sister be proud of me, but I don't think I work hard enough
- I am afraid of marriage because of all of the divorces
- I think my family is secretly dissapointed in me for not making it into a 4-year college
- I think my high school friends pretended for four years to like me - when they really never did
- I hate drinking beer but I drink it anyway
- I was surrounded by compulsive liars in my past and I fear that no one believes me either
- I wish my dad was different
- I could sleep all day if I had absolutely nothing to do
- I'm afraid I wont get anywhere with my life
- I'm afraid I will never get my book(s) published
- I think my roommates think I don't go to classes when I do
- I hated high school and if that's hell than I better go to heaven
- I want my mom to be happy
- I think I'm the weird one out of my group of friends
- I don't know what I'm doing after I graduate MCC

Those were just a few. Believe me, I have many more!

I cannot give up.

Here is a quote from Jodi Picoult's new podcast entitled - "If at first you don't succeed..."
“One of the saddest truths in publishing is that good books aren’t always the ones that sell. You can do everything right and still not get a contract. More often, the writers who succeed are the ones who refuse to buckle under the failures that are heaped upon them; who reject the notion that they aren’t as mediocre as industry professionals say they are.”

Of course I'm still writing and after listening to Jodi's newest podcasts, I only want to write even more. It took her years and years to get where she wanted and if that happens to me - so be it. But I am talented and I know that is one of the hardest things for people to say. I never give myself credit, but who else do you know what has written a 260 page novel before they turned eighteen and is currently in the middle of a second one? My friends may think I'm crazy, but I just think I'm determined to become an appreciated writer.

Here's a short piece from A Separation of Heart:
“I grew up struggling and I do not want other children to do the same,” Phil had said, pouring Lacey another margarita as she hazily nodded her head in thanks. “I’m no Angelina, but I do try my best.”
“And that’s all you can do, right? Try your best?” Delia had asked, pushing away her empty martini glass, the scent of apple still dangling on the edge.
“That’s what they say,” he stated, his eyes tired but not deserted from thought. “Sometimes though, trying your best wont save the fading stars. The stars you can barely see are the ones that really do shine the brightest.”
Delia had promised herself that she would take that line and fit it into her book.


Jodi Picoult's newest novel comes out on March 3rd!
I already recomend it.