"Neon city lights && a constant bloody nose"

Now that I'm not glued to my bed - I'll update.


NYC was outstanding. Just being in the city with absolutely no rules, regulations or a constant schedule - allowed me to stop and breathe for a moment. And actually having the time to spend a day or so with my dad was probably a decent thing for me as well. It has been months, years since I had a vacation with my father. Most of the time I never wanted to spend a moment with him until made - but this was different. He's a good person, whether I try to convince myself otherwise. He's made bad decisions. Horrid decisions that practically cost me my life. But he's trying so hard to make my sister and I love him like we used to. Even though he bought us quite a bit of clothes and souvenirs, brought us to see Rent on Broadway (which was excellant) and dealt with Carly and my constant goofiness and the urge to run after people with stollen designer purses - I will still never love him the way I used to. You may think I sound absolutely selfish, but that's just what happens when part of you has been ripped out and thrown away. You can't find it. But if part of that thrown away part of me is found someday and mended back into my skin - maybe I will slowly step back towards loving my father. And I really hope I trip over a lost part of my heart soon, because it's hard not having a father.

Surgery. Surgery is probably the easiest way to explain pain. Hell, is the best description. It's weird, knowing I had so many surgeries as a child. From chemo to radiation to everything - it's strange that a simple Sinoplasty (or whatever it's called) can feel 20x worse then cancer. Maybe it's because the pain is still on the edge of my fingers. Who knows. But waking up from anesthesia with a cotton mask wrapped around your face and practically a whole roll of toilet paper stuffed up your nose is not the most pleasant of feelings. I don't even remember the rest of Monday. I slept the day away, waking up every hour because I was in so much pain. The day after, the cotton was removed and holy-hell that was the scariest thing yet. Seriously, I didn't know that much shit could be stuffed up your nose. Not fun. So now I'm here. Finally able to type on my computer. I'm stubborn enough to have stuck my nose ring back in. Half way at least - it's still too swollen to see if it made it through to the other side. Probably not.

Monroe Community College is practically here. Well, maybe a little over a week away but I can feel it growing nearer. I went shopping today and got some new things. Friday I will go all out school/dorm shopping at Target aka thebeststoreever. I made a few photo collages and began digging through the boxes I swear I just packed up. I'm still on the search for a poster of Zach Efron. No joke, I need to find one. I want to be more organzied this year. Actually no, I NEED to be more organized this year. I have a busy schedule. From working at the RAC tuesdays and thursdays to being the Opinion Editor to having a full load of classes - I need to be prepared for the work I have brought upon myself. But I like having schedules. They keep me on track. Maybe that's what my summer missed - having a plan every day. But at this moment, my plan is to get ready for my life to start again. For my world to be surrounded by people, places and things I have missed and loved. This summer has been a nothing summer. This summer has proved to me what High School means. If you are a no one in high school - your summers at home will be nothing. But the people who do show up will mean the world. And those few who I did see this summer - I thank dearly.