"I think something is burning"

I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
And true, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home
- The Postal Service

It's strange. Everything seems to be going well for me but I still feel empty. I just had a cover story published in the Solvay Geddes Express. I just wrote another story for the Camillus Advocate. I'm able to go back to Camp. I've been going out a few times a week. But the reason I feel empty is because I'm missing people who have altered my life within the last year.

I'm missing someone I wish I wasn't. I'm missing him because he was always there but never was. He didn't go to my college but didn't live too far away. He would travel an hour out of his way to see me. We would laugh. We would just be ourselves. And yet, I feel lost. Maybe because he is so far away in so many ways right now. I know he doesn't know this is how I feel and truthfully, I don't even know why I'm feeling this way either. I really don't. But the thing that's killing me is that during the time we were around each other, I never even thought about the fact that he would be hanging out with other people. And now that the reality of that has set in, I'm falling apart. And I really wish I wasn't.

This weekend I went up to Lake Ontario with Calla again and as we were on Mike's boat, I read an article on Amy Winehouse. First off, I had always thought she sounded like a man. I never liked her eye make-up. And her hair always looked like there was a cat sitting on top of her head. However, I learned that people do what they do because of their past. In truth, Amy Winehouse and I have a lot of in common. I wont say what, but all you intelligent people should figure it out. She's had a tough past and has allowed her emotions out through song. Even if I despise some things about her, I learned from her article that you really can't judge before you know the reasons behind people's actions. And now, I haven't stopped listening to her manly sounding Rehab song for hours. Why? Just because now, I like her music.

I've been through darker days

Yesterday was CGD&ST volunteer orientation and being at the campgrounds made me realize how amazing people can be. I've been around people who haven't be the nicest towards me - insults, jokes, lies. But when I got to see the people I share time with while there, I realized that some of the greatest people on earth volunteer and work for Camp Good Days. I drove down with Erin and Julie from International week and it was great to see them. The first person I saw when I got onto the campgrounds was Brian - which was amazing. I forgot how awesome he was, even if he did get me in trouble. Actually, I got me in trouble. It's horrible that he wont be volunteering during Alumni week. But he better sneak into that week. Because without him, it wont be the same. No intense swinging sessions at night. It just wont work.

-

Lately, I just haven't been myself. Maybe it's because three years ago around this time, my dad left us. The actual day he told my mom was a couple days ago, three years ago. That day, I was in one of the worst moods of my life. I went for a drive and almost ran over a rabbit, got attacked by a bee while driving and got lost in cow town. That night, I went to look for the Solvay Geddes Express because my article got front page and I went all over town and couldn't find it and got another bloody nose on the way home while getting lost. Not a good time. I'm unhappy with my weight and it's getting to me heavily now. I need to lose weight. This isn't who I am. I saw Danny last night at Wal-Mart too and all of a sudden I couldn't help but think about everything that happened three years ago. How we were best friends, how we dated and how so much shit went down. Everything was just so dark and not good. Sure, now everything is much better, but the emotions stirring inside of me are not stable. I'm still not who I was before the separation. I still fake happy a lot and I still fear relapse. The mere fact that I think about my problem makes me realize that it's still there. That it hasn't dissapeared.

-

Things on my mind:

-Okay, I miss Gregory. A lot. I want to go down and visit him in Georgia even if he doesn't want to see me. Because I need to see him.

-I probably wont have a job this summer. Except for writing articles for the Advocate.

-Brian NEEDS to go to USA Alumni week. End of story.

-I miss my friends from MCC. They became a part of me and now they're just gone. Part of me is missing.

-I miss singing. I've been singing a lot lately and I need to go to a Kareoke or try out for something. 20% of me misses band-geek Jenni-Graham.

-I'm afraid of relapse.

'On my way to the middle ground'

Sometime this week, you will see an article reviewing Bishop Ludden's Graduation on the cover of the Solvay-Geddes Express and in the Camillus Advocate. Why? Because I was asked to write it and I did it well enough that it made it in not one, but two newspapers.


I'm psyched.


The End.

'dream another sunshine with you'

It's all the same, we all make mistakes
And if you didn't notice,
I'm taking this for all its worth
If it's a game, and these are the stakes
I know I got the best shot, for taking you out of the race
And every time I think of him it makes me sick
And I don't wanna know just what happened then
In the van right in front of my house
That's where you sold me out, girl
You didn't have a clue
- Save your Breath, Hit The Lights


Job situation: none. I've been putting in applications to lots of daycares, small newspapers and clothes stores - nothing. I'm making flyers for babysitting and I'm hoping that will do something to get me some money. I need it. If I could just get a damn agent... man, that would terrific. I'm too young.

Mono situation: It sucks. I'm on so many meds that if I even think about going out to drink I will probably explode. It doesn't feel like summer yet because I've been sick. Oh well, I better get better soon.

Car situation: My aunt is selling a 1996 Grand Jeep Cherokee for a good amount. So, if I ever do get a job I might be able to get it. In truth, I need one. Not just so I can say I finally have a car, just so I can run my own errands and do my own things without borrowing my moms van constantly. I need to research for my upcoming book and the only way I can get places to interview people would be in a car - my car.

Book situation: I'm working on it and to tell you the truth, this book is good. Much better technically then Addiction. Maybe it is just because my writing has changed and I am paying more attention to different audience views and opinions, but whatever it is - it's working. Here's a short summary/synopsis of the plot so far:

What do you do when your life seems to be slowly ripping at the seems? How do you react when the family you once thought was picture perfect, is now nothing but a ripping quilt - each patch from the past suddenly fading away?
Lylie Summers has never been one of the most well known girls at her school and in reality she had always dreaded High School and her upcoming senior year. When her parents unexplainably and suddenly decide to get divorced, Lylie doesn't know what to do. Should she concentrate on her own interests of photography or help her struggling younger sister who has quickly taken a turn for the worse by turning to drugs and perhaps suicide to cope?
But when a possible love interest shows some sort of attention towards Lylie, how can she trust him or her own instincts? How can she even try to love someone else when she can't love herself or trust the people around her who have broken all of her beliefs? What is really worth holding onto when it comes to a falling apart world - The love of others or the love of yourself?

Writers Digest Writers Conference 2007 NYC

"Find what you're passionate about and write," said editor Judy Hottenson during the conference lunch break. I didn't expect going to NYC coming back learning more about myself then the trade, but after returning home from the conference - I learned just that.

With just being found positive for mono, I went to NYC with an open mind, tired eyes from driving 5 hours and a hungry energy, excited to learn. At roughly around 7:40 am, I had already registered and was sitting downstairs looking through my pamphlet when Jodi Picoult walked by to get ready for her key note opening speech. I felt like a middle school girl at their first boy band concert - I felt like I had just seen a celebrity and really I had. At 8:30, Jodi gave a great speech which woke me up and opened my ears. She was very down to earth and real, making jokes about the research she had done and how she had to work to make her ordinary, healthy life and more fictional one. I couldn't stop smiling. Something that she said that made me interested had to do with her research. She stated, "Don't write what you know, but what you are willing to learn." I loved it. To be able to hear my favorite author speak about her trials and hardships made me realize how badly I want to be a part of this craft.

The first session I attended was a session about Your Breakout Novel - spoken by the agent Donald Maass. He began in a slightly depressed tone by began to open up by creating a workshop environment where we had to think about the current novel we were creating. I thought of the novel I am currently writing, A Separation of Heart, and about them main charactors, or in my usual case, the three of them. He brought us through different ways to jump into the protagonist's head and become them which helped me quite a bit.

Then it was lunch. Being it hurt too much to eat, I barely did. I sat at a table of woman who had to be twice or three times my age. I found myself trying to act older and more mature, folding my napkin on my lap, cutting the chicken with a knife (which I never do) and beginning polite conversation. Some of the women said that they were so enjoyed to see someone my age beginning their writing career so early in their life. Im pretty happy about that too.

After lunch I got to get 19 Minutes signed by Jodi Picoult, which I had been looking forward to all morning. When she asked me for my name, I swear I almost forgot. Then I got it right and asked for a photo to be taken, obviously. She said that we could be twins because of our hair and I laughed nervously. I still can't believe she was right there .

The last part of the afternoon was a session on Young Adult Writing that I attended because that audience is my main concentration. From that session, I learned that this is what I want to do. I want to be a novelist and really I am already. Whether I accomplish this in the next 10-20 years or if I end up self publishing, no matter what I will do it.

I would have attended the pitch slam if I had been prepared but by 3:00, I was already dead. I didn't feet too good but I knew I had learned a lot. I learned that I need to write and concentrate on what I love. Sure I will have lots of other careers alongside writing, but I will make room to have it. Because I have always made room to write and how could I possibly stop now.

And just like editor Will Shwalbe said, "When you see your book being read on the subway, you know you'll make it." And believe me, I will.

'turn out the lights'

So summer has officially begun and it has begun with me being sick. It isn't even sick exactly, it's that my tonsils/glands are sooo swollen that it hurts to eat, drink or move my neck. My body feels drained and when I went to the doctors, all they told me was that my lymphnodes were swollen. Um, duh? I knew that already. He said it could either be mono, toncilitis (meaning I'd have to get my tonsils out) or just my glands fighting something. Whatever it is, it hurts like hell and is pissing me off.

Tomorrow night @ 2 am I leave for NYC. Can you say excited? I can't wait to be there, learning about ways to make my writing better with people who are just as interested in novel writing as I am. I got an outfit and am just hoping to feel somewhat better by tomorrow night. It will be a long drive in the dark and I probably wont be able to sleep. I have a portfolio made up just in case and a notebook. I'm ready.

I miss MCC and everyone there. It feels weird not being around them every day and night. My room is cluttered with memories of them and it's hard to look at photos without some crazy memory taking over. I miss it all and can't wait until next year.

By the way, I might be getting a car. If I get a job... sweet!

It's funny how people change

We were merely freshman...

Let's see how much people can change from the beginning of their first year of college to the end of the first year. I'm gunna put some pics up from the very first day of MCC to the last. Let's just see how I've survived and who has, or hasn't, helped me to become who I am now.

"For the life of me I cannot remember

What made us think that we were wise and

We'd never compromise

For the life of me I cannot believe

We'd ever die for these sins

We were merely freshmen."

MonroeCC '06-'07