writers block

Latest advice from Jodi Picoult in an email recieved recently:
"You can edit a bad page, not a blank one."

Lately, I haven't been able to write in my novel as much. From school work to the Monroe Doctrine - I've felt empty for words when it comes to writing for myself. It is quite frustrating to state it bluntly. I need my writing like people need oxygen. My book is coming along quite well however, and you can really, truly tell how much my writing has changed within the past year. It's much more descriptive and real and the details sometimes blow me away. I guess after I read a passage or two from A Separation of Heart, I feel more confident and like an actual author. Yet, when I go to Creative Writing early in the morning on Tuesdays and Thursday - I feel ordinary and average; I don't feel the confidence I feel after I have written a good few pages or even sentenses of my book.

So Like Jodi Picoult said - I have to write something because you can only change what is there, not what isn't. So I will push myself. Because once I am pushed to do what I know I truly love - I will never stop for a second.

"What else is the world worth?"

I've been having emotional outbursts lately. Some, that many people are probably unaware of because I leave before I explode.

This weekend I went to Hornell to hang out with Kasey's family and friends. I realized how lucky she is. Her family is perfect. No questions asked. Her parents are in love and have been for 25 years. Also, her friends are awesome and I envy the fact that she still remains so close to her friends from High School. I wish I had a family so together and friends I could count on when coming back home for a weekend.

After what happened last nite - I realized there is no way I will probably ever be able to trust anyone of the male species. One of my closest friends had a devestating breakup last night and it came as quite the shock. I drove to pick her up and I couldn't believe that after a year of nothing but passion - the passion could be thrown away so quickly. I don't understand how that can happen. Maybe I shouldn't push the fact that I want to get into a relationship because I fear that will happen to me. I couldn't stand another cheating, lying male figure to come into my life and then drop me in a second. I want to be in love. Yet, I'm afraid of it.

I also need to continue to write the book I'm currently in the middle of. I've been having major writers block and it is very frustrating. I need to begin to do something for myself and need to stop trying to please everyone else.


I need time for me.

"nineteen and no place to go"

My birthday weekend was fabulous. From the mass amounts of jello shots to the fact that I saw my mother and sister as well as surprises from Calla and Maria - I'd say I'm happily content. We went out on Saturday night, September 15th, and ended up at Meigs Street by 4:30 am on my actual date of birth. Sierra Cramer had come up from Syracuse and it was funny to see her come to celebrate our birthday together. Drunkily. Overall, I had a great time and am so glad that my friends at MCC really do care about me.

Now here comes the reason why I am still horribly stressed. For the first time in months - I'm irratated because of guys. Yes, men. For some reason, I've been making some quite interesting choices over the past week, choices that confuse me. Choices that for my entire life I never thought would change me and choices that are making me really, really sit down and think. I don't want to be tied down just yet - my subconcious keeps reminding me of that. However, I want to be in a relationship - but not one that is so different from how I've lived in the past. Many of you may not understand a word I'm saying. Some of you - understand it fully. But to put it simply - I don't want to do something so out of my element and I don't know who I really want.



Alfred State this weekend with Kasey and Sara to visit Gregory. =]
And the stress continues...

sophmore slump

Life is evil. It is horrid and wrong and disgusting in so many ways. Take war, for instance. People think the most humane way to solve conflict is by killing each other. How humane does that truly sound?

But really, the most disgusting thing about life is what some people will do just to make themselves feel stronger; to feel content with themselves and not how they effect others. Men believe that they can constantly overpower women. In truth, they feel like they can get away with anything. They can say what they want and when they want to. They can act how they want because they think it is okay. And men will have sex with whoever they feel like having sex with - even when the time is totally out of hand. Whether their partner is unwilling or drunk, they will find away to make themselves the stronger individual.

How pathetic is that? This world that we live in is turning into a trash can full of grossly out of order men. They always think they are the better gender. I hate that. Woman are strong - but when it comes to overpowering a man, it can put a damper on our strength. The world sees women as a target. We are whores, sluts and hoes. But when it comes to men - they are nothing but pimps or whatever else people say that builds them up when people tear women apart for doing the same thing.

The point is - who can anybody trust anymore? When men are cheating on, lieing to and raping women - where do we really stand in society?

It's disgusting and it makes me sick.

songs of the week

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
- A Fine Frenzy, Almost Lover


It's undeniable how brilliant you are
In an unreliable world you shine like a star
It's unforgettable now that we've come this far
It's unmistakable that you're undeniable
- Matt Kearney, Undeniable


It was good to see some of the best people last night.
I miss them.
A lot.

"And nothing can get worse in the best place for me"

It's wonderful to see the people I have been missing all summer. It's great to see the faces of people who remember me when I totally forgot who they were. It's great to be growing closer to people who I knew of in High School but now know.

It's not great, however, that I totaled my car within the first 48 hours.

Yes. Maybe what people say is true: I'm not a great driver. However, I think I am a very cautious and careful driver. Maybe that's just in Camillus, not on the streets of Rochester. I guess today it was one of those surreal moments, as Sara put it. We were turning onto East Henrietta at one of the busiest intersections near MCC, and thanks to Sara for pointing out the fact that a car was coming straight on at us - we didn't die. Just hit head on and totaled both cars. I closed my eyes after it happened - hoping it was a dream. But it wasn't at all. The car hit us so hard and he was driving so fast. Sara said thank god I hit the breaks and we were wearing seatbelts - or else we be dead.

So on a lighter note - my roommates are amazing. I like them both and they both seem like genuinely nice people. Which is excellant. Tomorrow I have classes.

And a lot of calls to make.