'you're just a whore, nothing more. Sorry that will never change."

Sell me out I'm yesterday's old news,
phrases left on paper, black ink bleeding through
the pages where we made our history.
Call me foolish,
I feel hopeless...
Like a dear caught in the headlights
I won't know what hit me...
Running from lions,
never felt like such a mistake
- All Time Low, Running From Lions

It's strange that the summer is finally coming to a close. The sun is setting earlier; the air is becoming hazy. I've been packing up boxes for the past couple of days and it hasn't occured to me yet that I will miss this summer - because I wont. I've come to realize that High School is just a test. A bubble in scantron that if you get a few questions wrong, you can't make it up. Until college. I failed all those damn tests in High School and last year I made up for lost time. But High School is a different story. I was a band geek (even though I didn't enjoy it with much enthusiasm). I was the gym teachers daughter (coming into HS with an already made reputation). I cried during class (showing my insecurities and frowned upon embaressments). I had many aquaintances. Only a few friends that I would keep forever.

I guess that's how I saw it, at least. The stereotypical view of High School. However, college helped me start over and perhaps that is why I love it so much. Last year I stopped caring about what others thought about me when I walked down the hall. I tried to keep my chin up and to not be afraid to say hello to an aquaintance that may turn into a friend. I lived in a different setting, where I could make my name known (sometimes in a not so good way). I can't say I'm 'popular' now, because really - that's not what I want. I just wanted to be content with being Jenni - a quirky, goofy girl. And the fact that I'm leaving behind a summer so boring and walking back into a world I know too well - only makes my excitement roar louder.

The other day, I visited one of my campers from CGD with Ryan and Katie. Angela, a 14-year-old who is suffering greatly from Ewings Sarcoma, came with us as we took over Chuckie Cheese and Target for a day. It was great to see her doing so well and having so much fun, even thought I knew she was suffering so much. She had told me earlier that week that her doctors said she only had a week or so left. That idea killed me. I needed to visit her. So I rounded up the troops and we took a roadtrip to see her for the day. Today she is in Las Vegas because her Make A Wish came in. That's good and bad. It's great because she is there yet it is horrible because the Make A Wish Foundation only grants the wishes of people who are terminal. God bless her and I hope to god her tumor stops suffocating her body. She's too good of a soul to send away.

"Neon city lights && a constant bloody nose"

Now that I'm not glued to my bed - I'll update.


NYC was outstanding. Just being in the city with absolutely no rules, regulations or a constant schedule - allowed me to stop and breathe for a moment. And actually having the time to spend a day or so with my dad was probably a decent thing for me as well. It has been months, years since I had a vacation with my father. Most of the time I never wanted to spend a moment with him until made - but this was different. He's a good person, whether I try to convince myself otherwise. He's made bad decisions. Horrid decisions that practically cost me my life. But he's trying so hard to make my sister and I love him like we used to. Even though he bought us quite a bit of clothes and souvenirs, brought us to see Rent on Broadway (which was excellant) and dealt with Carly and my constant goofiness and the urge to run after people with stollen designer purses - I will still never love him the way I used to. You may think I sound absolutely selfish, but that's just what happens when part of you has been ripped out and thrown away. You can't find it. But if part of that thrown away part of me is found someday and mended back into my skin - maybe I will slowly step back towards loving my father. And I really hope I trip over a lost part of my heart soon, because it's hard not having a father.

Surgery. Surgery is probably the easiest way to explain pain. Hell, is the best description. It's weird, knowing I had so many surgeries as a child. From chemo to radiation to everything - it's strange that a simple Sinoplasty (or whatever it's called) can feel 20x worse then cancer. Maybe it's because the pain is still on the edge of my fingers. Who knows. But waking up from anesthesia with a cotton mask wrapped around your face and practically a whole roll of toilet paper stuffed up your nose is not the most pleasant of feelings. I don't even remember the rest of Monday. I slept the day away, waking up every hour because I was in so much pain. The day after, the cotton was removed and holy-hell that was the scariest thing yet. Seriously, I didn't know that much shit could be stuffed up your nose. Not fun. So now I'm here. Finally able to type on my computer. I'm stubborn enough to have stuck my nose ring back in. Half way at least - it's still too swollen to see if it made it through to the other side. Probably not.

Monroe Community College is practically here. Well, maybe a little over a week away but I can feel it growing nearer. I went shopping today and got some new things. Friday I will go all out school/dorm shopping at Target aka thebeststoreever. I made a few photo collages and began digging through the boxes I swear I just packed up. I'm still on the search for a poster of Zach Efron. No joke, I need to find one. I want to be more organzied this year. Actually no, I NEED to be more organized this year. I have a busy schedule. From working at the RAC tuesdays and thursdays to being the Opinion Editor to having a full load of classes - I need to be prepared for the work I have brought upon myself. But I like having schedules. They keep me on track. Maybe that's what my summer missed - having a plan every day. But at this moment, my plan is to get ready for my life to start again. For my world to be surrounded by people, places and things I have missed and loved. This summer has been a nothing summer. This summer has proved to me what High School means. If you are a no one in high school - your summers at home will be nothing. But the people who do show up will mean the world. And those few who I did see this summer - I thank dearly.

"Would you wait if I came running home to you?"

And tonight I walk through an empty street
With my shadow stretching in front of me
When my lonely thoughts meet my lonely feet
And the cold reminds me that I've chosen this life
- Sherwood, The Town That You Live In

Being back in MCC for the past few days has given me the strength and thrill in life that I have been missing. The excitement of being around people I truly have fun with and being surrounded by a familliar atmosphere just makes me that much more excited for this school year to begin. The past few days I have been working at the Monroe Doctrine for over 6 hours each day. Truthfully, even thought it is tiring, hard working writing so many articles each day and learning layout - I'm really enjoying it. Being Opinion Editor gives me so much more power when setting up the newspaper. Today (Wednesday) I was at the office from 9am - 7pm. I worked the orientation and tried to recruit some people, some which I don't think will really help out. I've learned that I like being a leader. I like being the one who hands out article leadsheets and I like being the one to recruit new writers. Tomorrow is my last day in Rochester until I come back for the semester on Septemeber 4th. I hope to see Sara tonight or tomorrow, because I miss her dearly and we need to get some dorm stuff. I've been hanging out with Kasey everyday and she just makes my life just that much more memorable. We drank wine the first night, went to the movies with Sarah and Vanessa last night and went to Panera today. A bunch more people have been trying to get ahold of me but I've been really too busy this week to hang out or go out with them all. I can't wait until school starts. It's where I'm truly happy.

This weekend I am going to NYC with my dad and Carly. It should be fun. But the days following will be horrid. I have surgery on Monday and then two doctors appointments the following days. I want to go see Greg on Thursday but my doctor said I can't drive within the first week of recovery. That makes me extremely depressed. I haven't seen him all summer. It's seriously something I'm going to do, whether or not those damn doctors say I can or can't. Then Suzy's party is on friday and I know I will be going to that, even if I got cotton balls in my nose.

Oh yeah, I got a car. It's a silver taurus SES with a cd player and leather seats. Oh and by the way, the battery died on Monday morning before my first session at the MD. It took me three hours, three cups of coffee and $200 before I got it back later that day. But I like it and am glad I finally have something to drive myself places in.

MCC = love
Can't wait!

"you've got magic in your fingertips"

Catch up:

1) Wedding this weekend in Plattsburgh
2) MCC August 13th-17th - Monroe Doctrine issue 1 layout
3) NYC w/ Dad and Carly weekend of the 18th
4) Nose/sinus surgery the 20th
5) Yearly check-up on the 22nd @ University
6) Finally get to see Gregory on the 23rd!
7) Possibly Buffalo the weekend of the 25th
8) Fair with camp people
9) RETURN TO MCC on the 2nd (I believe)!

So, now that you all know the rest of my life... yeah. The one thing I'm most excited about is what I have to wait until the end for - school. Isn't it crazy that I am more excited for returning to MCC then the fair? I find that odd. I don't know, maybe it's because I've had a quiet summer - mainly because a) my aquaintances are in Syracuse and b) my friends are in Rochester. That's really that.

I'm not much for words right now. Or lately, to be truthful. I haven't written much lately. I guess I'm having major writers block - a month long of it. I've been cranky lately and I think it's because I haven't been writing. But since I am going to be extra busy this month, I don't know when I will have much time to finish or get close to done with my second book. Oh well, I know I will have time.

It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes i always know
that you make me smile please stay for a while now
just take your time where ever you go
- Bubbly, Colbie Caillat

"You amaze me - Camp Good Days && Special Times"

No one can truly say they understand

When they haven't spent a week

Under the stars

In the rain

Though the heat of the sun

And hand in hand

With people who mean so much

This was my third year being a volunteer at Camp Good Days and Special Times during the Doing A World of Good Week. Even though I spend most of my time being surrounded by people who have been there tripled the time I have, I still feel as if I have been going there for years and years and really, I couldn't imagine feeling any different.

This week was the best week of my life. For some reason, being a counselor during this week felt much different from the years past. I felt secure and alive. I felt that even though people were contantly joking with me and everyone else, that their jokes were only showing me how much they cared. There were many new campers this week and maybe that was what was different. Maybe the fact that my two orginal campers, Amber and Taisey, weren't in my cabin anymore - made my time spent that much different, allowing me to meet new amazing campers and people.

The thing about spending a week with cancer survivors and children still going through treatment, is that it makes you realize how fragile life is. This week, I felt so close to everyone. The campers really confided in me and told me stories about when they were really sick and really feeling low. They told me jokes about the hospital and about the doctors they loved and didn't care for. They told me how lucky they were to be at a place where everyone has something in common - a terrible sickness and a love of life.

Even after the campers went to sleep, the volunteers made jokes about their pasts. Most of us being cancer survivors as well, allowed ourselves to be open with one another about the memories we had when we were near death. We talked about the types of cancer we had and the marks on us that made it real. We joked about how certain kinds can be considered the flu and how some wished they could have been sick during school so they could have had time off. Many people don't really understand, but when you are at Camp - you learn to.

This week at Camp Good Days was my third and most memorable week yet. From getting shaving creamed, water ballooned, dunked, and TP'd to playing games on the playground, cuddling under the stars and joking about our past - one thing is for sure, I could never survive without this place. I could never imagine a world without this camp.

"Because a world without Camp Good Days, isn't really a world at all."

Miss&&Love:

Jasmine, Alyssa 'Jo-Jo,' Ericka, Erin G., Amy, Nick aka Charlie Brown, Ryan, Justin, Chris, Jomo, Mary, Matt, Pete, Rob, Chad, Greg, Erin I., Megan, The Campers and sooooo many more!

"Without love, life is like the seasons without summer"

Today was eventful.
Quite eventful.

It began with me going to see Hairspray with Kylee. I had seen the commercials, the show live and a special on Oprah and just by that - I knew it would be my favorite musical of the summer. I learned a lot from the movie: appearance doesn't mean everything and that your weight doesn't determine the kind of person you are. Sure, we've all known that for decades - but the questions is - do we really believe it? I know I'm going to keep trying to, but it's difficult. It also made me realize how much I miss singing. Part of me wishes I could go back to High School and show everyone what I can do. But I was too afraid then.

Oh, and by the way - I am pretty much in love with Link Larkin, aka Zac Efron. Um, yeah. If anyone wants the key to my heart, pretty much be him. Thanks.

I've been looking at cars with my mom lately and really, it's quite the rush. Me, having my own vehicle - finally. However, it's not for certain yet. I'm in love with a Focus Hatchback but because of our budget, I will probably have a Taurus and that's okay with me. A car is a car is a car. Right?

The Harry Potter final book premiere was at midnight and I went to Borders to cover the story. Sure, I'm a HP fan - but I'm not one to wait for hours in line for the book. I'll buy it at Wegmans the day after. I am also not one to read it all within a few hours. Truthfully, I don't see that as being a true fan and a true reader. I just see that as obsession and competition. If you read a novel too quickly, you don't get enough time to digest the entire plot. At least that's what I think from a writers perspective. You need time to think about the words you are looking over, not just skim them and move on. Maybe that's why it may take me days, weeks or months to finish the final book. But really, who knows. It could take me a day or two - yet I doubt that.

And I have Camp to look forward to next week. And when I get back, if anyone mentions to me any detail from the book - they will get ran over by a hopefully focus hatchback.

A, B, C.

You're a falling star, you're the get away car.
You're the line in the sand when I go too far.
You're the swimming pool, on an August day.
And you're the perfect thing to say.
And you play it coy, but it's kinda cute.
Ah, when you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true.
Cause you can see it when I look at you.
And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
- Everything, Michael Buble

Garage Party '07 = amazing.
"No one can pretend to understand, because only family does"

I'm awaiting two three things within the next month:
A) Doing a World of Good I - 22nd - 27th
B) Going to MCC for MD orientation/issue 1 layout
C) GOING BACK TO MCC

I don't know how many days or weeks or whatever until I go back to school but it's becoming too hard to wait. I couldn't sleep last night. I haven't been writing or sending out to agents. I just haven't been myself and I blame the lack of MCCness in my life right now. I need those people. I need to get back to having a schedule. I need to get a job. I need to meet more people. I need to go out with the people I know are my true friends. I miss it all too much and it's so difficult to go an entire summer being somewhere you really can't stand. Sure, I love seeing my mom, dad, sister and the few friends who still care - but it's so much easier to be at a place when you can reinvent yourself and really get a sense of where you are going in life. I'm going to try to get back to my book and sending to agents. I will try to sleep more and work out daily. But really, I'm not promising myself anything. Because it just wont feel right.