end of september update.

I've become lazy when it comes to updating this blog. Here's a quick reminder of what's been going on during the last month at Keuka:

1) My ears are STILL plugged - yes, it's going on ten months.
2) I'm officially the worst ASL student in level three.
3) I'M 21! It rocks.
4) Boys confuse me like no other these days. When will that ever end? Can't things be simple when it comes to the opposite species?
5) I'm slowly going back to writing and reading after a couple weeks of not having the time to.
6) My brother's one year is coming up and it's getting more and more difficult to face. We are in the process of making shirts to wear on 10/14/2009.
7) Did I mention that my ears are still plugged?

Okay, that's all for now. When something extraordinary comes up, I will try my best to complain about it.

update from the keuka student.

Well, Keuka College is officially amazing. Seriously, I'm so glad that I decided to come here. It's small, but feels like home already and the students already know my name - not for anything bad, either. I've met some great, fun people and surprised myself by how outgoing I was within the first 24 hours. By the end of our first night on campus, I had already met a bunch of people on the top floor of Harrington and went over to Ball Hall to hang out with some people. The unique thing about Keuka is that there is a connected college in China and a lot of the seniors at that school come here. I've met so many awesome Chinese students! Truly, i love it here.

Quick tid-bits:
- I just became the Co-Advocacy Chair for the Up 'Til Dawn club which supports childhood cancer research and St. Jude.
- I've gone to the library almost every day as well as to the gym.
- I played kick ball - yes, it's hard to believe.
- I am struggling through my American Sign Language classes, since I was placed in level 3, but am going to work hard to understand it all.
- I know almost all of the American names for the Chinese students on campus - one being named Potato. Yes, you heard me.
- I've been going to bed early on weeknights and only drinking on weekends.
- I'm having a wonderful time!

overdue.

It's been a little while since I last updated this. Here's a quick overview of all the excitement that you missed:

1) Camp Good Days and Special Times 2009 was absolutely incredible. It was an amazing week and I got to meet some amazing campers and wonderful volunteers. Everything felt right this year - meaning that there was no drama. I learned so much this summer by being around these people. Again, CGD made me realize how lucky i am to be a survivor and to be a part of this organization. I'm already getting heartfelt emails and i love to read them. I've also found out that one of my former campers relapsed and needs a lung transplant. I'm in the process of visiting her. I need to find more time.

2) The weekend after CGD, I went to Baltimore with my dad and sister. It was odd this year, not having my brother there to pick on us and fart and laugh and push me around. Again, we stayed at his place and i could feel his spirit everywhere. We avoided the aquarium this summer. It's to close to home when it comes to missing my brother. It wouldn't have felt right without him telling us everything and anything about the sealife. I miss him more and more and the fact that it has been almost a year still leaves me in awe.

3) Carly has moved into the real world and is officially a student at Ithaca. It was odd helping her unpack and watch her talk to the team. For the first time in a while, she is alone. Maybe not totally alone, but without her close knitted group of friends and without my parents to guide her along with the food issues. I miss her - it's a fact. Even though we haven't always seen eye to eye, i miss the times when we get along so well that we laugh to the point of tears. She's my little sister and she is now a college girl

I move into Keuka soon and I'm more than ready. I want to wake up tomorrow and for it to be the 26th. It will be soon enough. Until then - I will enjoy the rest of this nonesense summer.

the smile of a black eyed susan.

Well, it finally looks like I snagged a summer babysitting job - for the next month until I head back to school. I'm still grateful that something came along, even if it's last minute. I will be watching two children, 4 and 9, from 9:30 - 4:30 Monday through Friday. The days I can't work (CGD&ST) Carly will take over. The money will be good to have, even if it's not that much.

I went to Plattsburgh this weekend for the annual Garage Party and it was fantastic, as always. Lots of dancing, alcohol and family - the perfect combonation. I stayed at the farm a few extra days and really got the chance to relax. I visited the piggies, calves and the goats and felt like a tryt country girl... in a way. It's so nice up there with the farms and the fields and the mountains and the lake. I can definately see myself living in the countryside other than in a big city. I like the atmosphere and how it is less chaotic, more peaceful.

I'm moving right along with the book I'm writing - Noon. It's really becoming a true, real story and I'm falling in love with the characters. It's funny because I'm not sure exactly how the story will end. If you're a writer, you know that the characters are what finish the story for you, not yourself.

storms that howl.

I don't think I've ever experienced rain like I have during the past two weeks. It hasn't stopped - seriously. I think Mother Nature is playing a trick on us or is just extremely moody. I've pretty much moved into the camp on the lake and when it rains, the wind screams against the camp like what you hear in the movies. It's scary, especially when you're all by yourself. In a wierd way, it's almost poetic. I could sit here all day and just write about the rain and sounds and lake and ducks that I've watched grow during the past month. Now, the ducks that were a couple weeks old, are almost the same size as the mother and the other family of ducklings have grow so much too. I wonder what age it is when the ducks part from their parents and the mother stops following them.

I made a website on one of the rainy, stormy days because I wasn't in the writing or reading mood. I don't know if anyone will look at it, except for me, but I like it. I wish people would comment and tell me what I could do to make it better or what to add. I like it - it's the web version of my life. If you haven't memorized the blog URL, you're probably reading this from www.whoajenni.webs.com. Or, you've just forgotten about me all together. Oh well.

I'm still writing and I've made it to page 50! It's funny how excited I get, after months of writers block, to finally get this far without losing interest. I like the story, I've fallen in love with the characters and the plot inspires me. Isn't that all a writer needs to fall in love?

I went to Kylee's church with her last night and started to cry - as usual. I don't know what it is about being in a church that makes me start to think about my brother and fall apart. Maybe it's because I don't really believe in anything, but if I believed in God I'd be pissed that he took my brother away from me. So, when I'm there and I hear everyone praying - I'm mad because I don't want to follow some God who took Matt away. I know, I know - God or whatever didn't take my brother, the disease did. But why didn't God take me instead when I was sick? Then I wouldn't have to feel this guilt and this sadness. After the session, I realized I need to make some changes. Not changes like becoming a crazy religious person, but changes like living a life I'll be proud of without regrets. I've regretted so much in my past and I want to be proud of the person I am. Therefore, I'm going to change things up a bit.

"even after death, the relationship continues."

This afternoon I watched My Sister's Keeper. I was amazed by how each character was brought to life just like Jodi's text was and how amazing Sofia V. (Kate) brought forth the pain that cancer caused her. The story-line went pretty much hand in hand with the book - which made me more then content.  Of course, like predicted, the ending was much, much different.  However, the change was not tacky, but brought to the screen with class.  I emailed Jodi Picoult right after I got back from the movies and asked her about her thoughts on the change.  She answered: 

I didn't take the change well - I think it ruined the story, frankly, But like you said - I had no control (and when I complained I got tossed off the set!) JP 

I still love how she answers my email within minutes of it sending. It amazes me that she has the time to answer back to all of her fans. Even though I still believe that the ending in the book is the correct ending, the movie still brought tears to my eyes and made me think about the important things in life. 

I'm still writing without writers block and it's fabulous. I'm beginning to really know the characters that I am creating: Josie - learning to love; Cady - learning to grow; Fay - learing to be herself. It's fascinating when the people you create begin to rub off on you and you begin to see someone walking through a store and say, hey, that girl reminds me of so-and-so.

That's what prose does - it's makes you alive. 

rain, ducklings and words.

I've officially broken out of my writers block - thank god.  Last week I thought of the reason why I hadn't been able to concentrate on the stories I had been working on.  I need to actually get under the character's skin and become friends with them (if that sounds creepy at all, I'm sorry). When I had been writing Addiction, I knew every single character and could describe them in perfect detail.  Also, I need to write from the perspective of the character - like I did in Addiction.  It doesn't only make the story more interest, it makes the reader feel what the character feels and believe what the character believes.  Right now, I'm content with the story I'm writing. 

It's about three girls, Josie, Fay and Cady, who all end up at a hospital for totally different reasons.  One is there because of mental illness, one is there because of cancer and one is there because she is pregnant.  One day at lunch time, they all ironically end up at the same table and begin an interesting conversation.  After that date, they each meet there every day at noon. The story goes through the hardships that each girls pushes through and their personal issues they must deal with - love, identity and purpose. 

Still, I have no job and am just waiting for luck to find me.  However, until then, I have my book (I'm on page 27). 

literature VS film

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EiOWevDj1mw

^MUST WATCH MY SISTER'S KEEPER TRAILER

( Coming to theaters June 26th )

My Sister's Keeper was the book that introduced me to Jodi Picoult and the wonder that she creates within the pages of her books.  In some ways, it's frightening to think that someone could make a movie from such a remarkable novel and not have some sort of conflict.  I've watched the trailer so many times and teared up every time.  The trailer is so powerful that I can barely wait to see the film.  I read on JP's website that the ending is different. Now, THIS made me mad.  You cannot change the ending to that story because it will not be the same.  However, she continued to say that if 'you are a real fan, you will appreciate the change.' Yes, I'm a real fan.  But, I'm still nervous about the change. 

Still have writers block and yes, it sucks. 

let the sunshine fall

I am officially a Monroe Community College Alum. Okay, so some people wouldn't be so thrilled about that - but I am, to say the least.  It's been a long, rough ride and I'm excited to go to Keuka in the fall.  The bad thing about community colleges is that you leave the great friends you have made back where you met them.  However, the good thing is that you have another chance to be yourself and to start fresh. When you go right from HS to a 4 year school - you don't have that chance.  You get a reputation and it sticks with you until you graduate.  I'm excited to start again and meet new people.  For sure, I will miss everyone from Rochester, but it's those who show me that they care who will stay close with me for always. 

So far, summer has been swell.  It sucks that I don't have a job yet and I'm thinking I wont have one this summer. If one comes around, it comes around. I've been out at camp quite a bit and have already had some great days of laying in the sun and drinking by the campfire.  It's refreshing waking up and being lazy all day - it gives you time to think.  Okay, okay it makes me look like a bum - but it's summer!  All year long I have classes and work and drama.  Now, it's me time and I think I deserve that. 

Again, I'm slowly beginning to write.  I've had an awful case of writers block since last summer and it is horrible.  I used to write all day and night and now I'm lucky to get a couple paragraphs in a day. I like the story line, but don't I say that about every one? We will see how far it takes me. Hopefully, I have a winner. 

catch up entry.

So it's summer - somewhat officially. Here are a few things worth discussing:

1) This third year @ MCC was a learning experience.  It taught me that I need to stand up for myself, that life and death is unfair and unexpected, that money will always be limited and that I'm growing up.  It's been the roughest year of my life and I am so thankful that I will be living on the lake this summer.  Relaxation is key. 

2) I'm still working on getting a summer job.  I've had two interviews and both jobs would begin in July, if I got them.  I'm not overly thrilled about either of them, which frustrates me.  Maybe it's because they're 30 mins from camp or because they start a month into summer. I don't know. Money is money though and I need what I can get.  

3) Also, I've come to realize that I need to stop looking for love and let it find me.  Of course, we all say this and want it to happen - and usually it wont. Maybe not 'love,' but interest. I'm going to try not to look for anyone this summer and if something comes my way, so be it.  I need to do my own thing and stop relying on someone else to make me happy. 

my life - a series of unfortunate events.

Maybe some creepy old man didn't hang my baby sister out of a window or keep her in a bird cage or want to marry a family member, but my life is starting to seem like that book - a series of unfortunate events. Ironically, I had to read that for my childrens lit. class and ironically a couple weeks later another death occured in my family:

My Aunt Janet suffered a heart attack and passed away on April 26th, 2009. After hearing this news, the first thing that I thought of was: who's next? Seriously, people may think I'm awfully crazy by thinking this way, but after my brother dying and now my aunt, both within about 6 months, I'm just expecting another death. I feel guilty. I feel like I'm the one who should be dead - not Matt or Aunt Janet. I was sick when I was a baby and lived, but they both died so quickly and it's just unfair. Nothing is making sense and I'm just expecting the worse not. Someone may get in a car crash or someone will get another damn disease. Why didn't god or whoever make our bodies sickness-proof? It's just not right.

Lately, I can't keep my mind on writing one story. I've been jumping from one idea to another and now I'm on a totally new one. Who knows how far this idea will go - probably 30 pages and then I'll get bored. I just want to write something that tells a remarkable story.

I only have a few more weeks of school - thank god. I need to get away and be on the lake all summer and wake up to sun and water. Rochester has fucked me over this year and it's time for a change of scenery. This might mean a change in not only scenery, but in possible relationships and current friendships. However, if he or them believe I'm worth the distance - I'll be content.

the schedule before summer arrives.

Thank god that there are only a few more weeks of school left - at least after break there are only a few. I've already started slowly packing up my room, which isn't too depressing because I will be moving this room to the one at our camp on Otisco. I can't wait to be on the lake all summer. It's a new environment, a new place and hopefully this will give me a new mindset with more positivity. Being that the 6 month date was a couple of days ago, I know that Matthew would have loved the camp that we have. He would have thrown me into the lake and pissed me off and then would have drank with me until the sun came up the next morning. I'll just have to live for him as well as myself from now on.

I may be nannying this summer for three boys: a ten year old, seven year old and a one year old. I would be doing this Mon-Fri from wicked early to around 5:00. This would take over my life, but be legit money. Seriously, good pay. It wouldn't only look good on my resume, but give me a new type of patience that I haven't experienced while working at the daycares. I would feel like a mom, which is scary, but it's something that is worth trying out (ha). Hopefully I will hear from the family soon.

This is my schedule for next week (spring break):
- Open House at Keuka
- Sleep in =]
- Go down to Camp and bring some things for my room
- Watch Carly run track
- Go to CT then Long Island for a wedding =]

I do miss going to Myrtle Beach and Daytona, but really - it wouldn't be the same without Matt. He was ALWAYS there and I think that if I went down there, I would feel empty without him. Therefore, this spring break is good enough for me.

to blog or not to blog.

I may stop blogging on this because I think I'm the only one who actually reads it and checks in. Truthfully, it's good to get things off of my chest, but if no one is reading those things - why continue? Oh well, maybe a few more.

I miss Matthew Dennis Graham. I've been getting flashes of how he looked when he was laying helpless in the hospital and of how he coughed and choked on the trach the last time I saw him. I can still feel his cold skin as we played thumb wars for the last time - him winning even though he was in such incredible pain. I see him laying there on that hospital cot and laugh when I think of him flicking me off just so I could see Matthew shine through the being that lay before me. I still remember every call I recieved from my parents and how I felt after every one - my heart stopped and my body stilled and I choked on every breath. These feelings will never go away and it kills me that these are the last moments I had with my brother.

HANDLE WITH CARE - real literature.

At approximately 1:45 AM, I finished Jodi Picoult's newest read - Handle With Care. This novel definately comes close to being my my most admired JP read alongside My Sisters Keeper. This novel grabs ahold of so many current, controversial ideas: sickness, abortion, cutting, divorce, eating disorders, friendships, economy, love. I felt like this book related to my life so well that it was almost frightening in some ways. The ideas of sickness and mental disorders and divorce - it all hit home.

The ending was quite disturbing, but I will not give that away because I think that this is a novel that needs to be read. I emailed Jodi Picoult directly after I finished reading and she answered immediately, explaining why she wrote the ending the way she did and how she was glad that the book had upset me (like I usually do, I would post that email but it talks about the ending so that is a no-go).

This book made me realize that my love for writing will truly never cease. I need to express myself through words almost like how the mother, in Handle With Care, has a need to keep her children safe and healthy. It's something that comes almost automatically because it's something that makes you feel whole. Without it, you would be empty and alone and no one wants that.

terrible three's.

So, lately I have been feeling off. Everything is bothering me, my mood is weird and every aspect of every day makes me anxious. I'm not sure why this is happening. Maybe it all goes back to the fact that my brother isn't here and the reason he isn't. Maybe it's because I'm confused about things like relationships and guys. Or maybe it is because I'm not quite positive who my real friends are.

I thought about it the other day and realized that I have grown up in the world of three's. This means that I have always been in a group of three people and have never been the best friend or the leading lady. Here is a list of my 'three' past:

1) Stevie, Amber and Jenni (my closest in age cousins)
2) Heather, Katie and Jenni
3) Kylee, Erika and Jenni
4) Dana, Meghan and Jenni
5) Mr. B, Ed and Jenni
6) Sara, Kasey and Jenni
7) Stacey, Skye and Jenni

Notice how I'm always last? Well, maybe it's because I just put my name there or because that's how I feel. I know, I know - I'm paranoid. It just got me thinking about who my real friends are and if it's worth the struggle and effort to be someone in a 'three.' Maybe, I just become attracted to that grouping or ironically I fall into those situations. Maybe I'm just unlucky.

Anyway, I'm almost done with Jodi Picoult's newest book and will blog about that when I finish or find the time. So far, it is terrific - as always. I'm still working, slowly, on my newest book. It's got definate potential and I'm going to keep working on it. I know that if this story finishes and is legit - it's going somewhere.

the madness of march - really?

JODI PICOULT'S NEW BOOK CAME OUT TODAY: HANDLE WITH CARE
It sounds like another thought provoking and controversial novel and I can't wait to begin reading it. I will let you know my thoughts about it when I finish it. Give me a couple weeks, though. I've been busy lately.

So, I've been really thinking about a new book to write. Okay, I know I say this all the time, but I really am researching for this next idea. It's complicated for me to describe it technically, but I will try:
A girl, Josie, who's twin brother, Mason, is diagnosed with Liver Cancer at 19 years old. Josie had Brain Cancer when she was three years old and has been in remission since. When the family moves to Baltimore to treat Mason's cancer at Johns Hopkins, Josie begins to become attracted to a patient, Trace, at the hospital who has Cardiomyopathy - a disease that slows and inflames the heart muscle. He has been sick for years and needs a heart transplant. Soon, the family is told that Mason needs a liver transplant or will become terminal and die. Josie soon finds out that Trace and Mason are blood matches and can transplant their organs to one another. However, who is willing to give up their life for someone else?

So yeah, that's what I'm going for right now. It's a family story; a story of sickness; a story of survival and a story of love. I've begun some research on the medical aspects of the story so I don't sound too dumb. But I'm kind of excited to start this. I miss writing and NEED to get back to it.

fitting into change.

This weekend I went to Baltimore. It was strange, not being there since Matt's death. The house felt different and I could tell that my dad and sister could feel it. He was there and it kills me to know that. He's everywhere in that house and I only wish I could see him one more time.

We went through some of his things: clothing, old car ticket records, school binders, bills. However, I realized that the more papers we flipped through, the more poetry we found. He would write haiku where a study guide should have been and we would find a love story written in verse where maybe he should have listened to the professor with a more intent ear. Yet, everytime I saw his writing and read a title and a date, I took it. If I couldn't get his original poetry book, I could at least make my own with what I was finding. Matthew was truly a remarkable man. The only time I really broke down was on the car ride home. My dad was telling us some extra tid-bits of information about Matt's last days and my barrier of strength collapsed. Every emotion I had been hiding came out for five minutes and I broke down. It felt good, but it felt awful because it meant that reality had struck me yet again and that my brother wasn't really on vacation or taking a long winters nap.

The truth makes me want to scream and scream and scream. I miss him so much.

His writing makes me wish I took the time to write more myself. I miss it and I miss the calmness that writing has brought me in the past. I think that I'm so distracted with everything else going on in my life right now that doing what I absolutely love is last on my priority list. Sad, but true. I'm trying to get myself back on my feet. I'm trying to put myself back out into the social world again, but of course not like I have in the past. I think I'm in a good spot right now and I hope it stays this way. In my life, contentness only lasts so long. I'm counting on it to last just a little bit longer then usual, though.


it's funny that when you grow up,
you grow into things that never
would have fit before.

((4 months and it feels like 4 minutes))

what is perfection?

What messes us up the most is that we all
have this perfect picture in our minds of how
things should be.

This quote just made me start crying. Weird, right? It's true that we all have standards of what we want our present and future to look like: get through college, get a job, get married, have kids, make money... live happily ever after. Right? What happens in between all the glimpses of perfection? What about the difficulty of getting to where you want to be? The heart breaks, the death? The pain of losing who you are or losing who you want to be?

I remember when I was younger, I thought I had it all. After I had cancer, I felt like I was free of pain for the rest of my life and that I would be able to live like any child, teenager or young adult would. I became numb to reality and only saw what made me smile and I guess that is good for a child - at the time. My first big splash of reality was moving to Syracuse when I realized I was alone for the first time in my life. I had no one except for my family at home. I had to start all over and for being a third grader - that can be tough. After that, middle school wasn't so bad. It truly was when the divorce happened that everything began to go downhill. My brady bunch family broke apart and I began to crumble. I realized that you can't believe everyone and everything you hear.

CGD & ST was the next wink of perfection I had - it gave me something to live for. It gave me hope in not only myself, but in the children who were dealing with something more intense then a divorce. My situation looked pathetic compared to their sickness. After that came the stress of senior year then my first year away from home. I look back and realize that I did have a lot of fun my first year at college... but I tend to regret over half of it. I became someone totally different and lost the genuine girl and I had somewhere in me. Instead, I became what I had always wanted to be - popular and crazy. Thankfully, sophomore year cooled me down a bit.

Now, my brother. His death will always leave me hanging on for words. I know that I can't go on acting as if my life is awful and horrible when there are kids dying and abusive families and other losses and sickness out there. Yet, this experience was what totally ruined my outlook on the 'perfect' future. I cannot have a perfect future without my brother. Now, I'm in a ditch and am trying so hard to climb out. People say I am doing so well and that they are more then impressed with the fact that I still remain positive. Yet, sometimes it is simply an act - like the act I put on when the divorce occured and when I became a crazy college student. We are all actors - it's just that we choose what scenes we want to include ourselves in.

All these thoughts came simply from that quote at the top. Little things can make something click and that is what just occured. It's hard for people to stop and really look ahead without seeing the stop signs and the blinking lights. Now, I am trying so hard to find Jenni Graham. I'm more myself then ever, these days, because nothing can make someone more real then losing a piece of them.

no new words of interest.

Well, there's nothing much for me to say right now.

Valentines Day is coming up and there are two reasons why I am not excited for February 14th:
1) Love pisses me off, especially when you are alone.
2) It will be the 4 month mark for Matthew's death.

I'm still in awe with the fact that my brother is gone. I know people are probably tired of hearing it, but it's true. This whole incident happened in the blink of an eye and all of a sudden - bam, he's gone. It sucks and it will takes years and years to get over it. In truth, I don't think I will ever get over it because it's impossible to forget someone who was such an idol in your life. I look at his pictures and still wonder to myself, 'Did this really happen?' I think I've run out of tears because when I want to cry or feel myself falling apart - I just can't crumble. Yet, when I do fall apart - it's a mess. I love him and always will and it kills me that he isn't here today.

a random januar-ian update

Well, 2009 hasn't been overwhelmingly exciting. Here are some things worth discussing:

- I visited Keuka College and I'm in love. The campus is beautiful and small and perfect. The college is more family like then school like and that's what I want. I start there in the fall and if I keep my grades above a 3.0 I'll get a $5,000 award which I need.

- I'm very proud of myself for working out on a daily basis. I dont know where this sudden motivation to go to Ballys came from, but I'm enjoying it. I've been taking a Zumba class there and it's like a dance/work out class - SO MUCH FUN. Seriously, that may be why I keep going back to the gym. I hope I keep it up because if I do, I will look damn good in a bikini come summer.

- I am dissapointed however in my lack of writing and reading within the past couple weeks. Maybe it's because school is back in session and my time is lacking or maybe I'm just not as motivated. The story is there in my head, I'm just having issues getting it onto paper.

- I already signed up for my summer weeks at Camp Good Days: DAWG I and BEST. I really hope I get those two this year. Sometimes, they like to change it up, but since they know my recent situation with my brother - I hope they will just finalize me for those two weeks.

- Again, I feel like the past three months have been a sick nightmare. The fact that Matthew isn't here is still impossible to believe. When I say it out loud I don't believe it and when I think about him I can't picture him not alive. I'm afraid that people don't realize how tough this has been on me and how it wont get much better in the future. Sara always asks me how I'm so strong which reminds me that I am. Yet, I think others totally forget that I JUST lost my hero. I will always say that he recently died because it will always feel like yesterday.

the beginning again.

So I don't think that 2009 can be any worse then 2008. Really, the only thing worse then dealing with a sibling who is undergoing an eating disorder, having a fellow volunteer from Camp Good Days pass away, dealing with rivalry between my roommate and I and having my brother die is... well, nothing. I'm looking into this year with as much positivity as I have left within me. Here are some, well, resolutions you can say I've come up with:

1) Lose 10 pounds (I've already been working out practically every day)
2) Finish writing my book
3) Watch Matt's favorite movies, read his favorite books and live the way he did
4) Get scholarship(s) for Keuka College
5) Touch someones life

I can't promise myself or anyone anything, but I know I have to live life the way Matt would have wanted me to. I need to do what I believe is right and stand up for myself. I need to work hard at everything I do to the point where I'm absolutely content. I need to laugh more then cry and smile more then frown. Why? Because that's the way Matt would have wanted it.