another year, another wish

Did you forget that yellow bird?
How could you forget your yellow bird?
She took a small silver wreath and pinned it on to me
She said this one will bring you love
And I don't know if it's true but I keep it for good luck
- Bright Eyes, We Are Nowhere, And it is Now

Sleeping pills, no sleeping dogs lie never
Far enough away
Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I’ve watched you slowly winding down for years
You can’t keep on like this
Now is as bad of time as any
- Imogen Heap, Speeding Cars

'Music brings to life a world that no one can truly describe.
It takes you from a harsh reality and switches your gaze
To one that is less harmful, less guilty.
Music releases you to a world where everything surrounding you
Is nothing but true.'

2008 will bring:
- Another finished novel - better than Addiction
- A healthier, slimmer me (15 pounds lighter, I hope)
- Above a 3.0 GPA
- More therapy sessions
- Confidence

I recieved another email from Jodi Picoult. I asked her about organization when it comes to writing - for I have been feeling like my work is not organized enough. This was her answer:

Jenni, for organization, a lot of the answer is practice - I write plots out and let the story percolate, and then I do tons of research ahead of time, and by the time I get to write it's all very organized in my mind. Sometimes it helps to plot out characters - their likes and dislikes, etc. Don't let yourself get hung up, though - concentrate on telling the story. It WON'T come out perfectly the first time, that's a given - so just plow through it and THEN go back and make your changes!
Jodi Picoult

band-aids for the scratches.

I hope...
That my Christmas is practically drama-free. I know I cannot say it will be absolutely drama-free because that would be insane. Nothing is perfect. Families can try their best to be perfect - but perfection is unattainable. No matter the circumstances.

I'll try...
To be a better, more confident person throughout the winter season and into the new year. I need to find a good, happy medium where I don't just feel content but feel true to myself with every decision I make. I need to try harder to grab onto a future goal - whether it be getting better grades, figuring out a career path or just being a happy individual.

I want...
To lose 10 pounds to become more confident. To change up my hair or my style, just to release some locked energy. To finally talk to my father about how badly he screwed up... excuse me, changed my life. To drink less and excersice more often. To finish the book I am writing by Spring Break and begin sending to agents by the summer.

I wish...
I could trust people. From family to friends to men - I just can't. I want to find someone who I can have a decent and carefree relationship with. I'm sick of searching and flirting around at parties just waiting to be let down. I wish I could trust myself, trust my instincts and trust the fact that someday, if something is meant to be - it will happen.


In life, you have to wait.
Because jumping to conclusions
Is just as bad as jumping to your death.

what is this season really all about?

Sometimes I think I am too nice. Some people may not believe me, but I certainly do. I put others before myself all the time to the point when I'm completely dumbfounded about my own life. I care about how other people feel before I let myself even think about me. I don't like when people hate me. I get nervous when people like me. So what can I truly be content about when it comes to myself?

So, again, another Holiday season is here. Another month of no money to buy anyone anything, couples spending too much time together and our family fighting to figure out what to do about Christmas day. Divorce ruins traditions - no matter what my sister wants to say, it does. It's been three years, three Christmas's with the same traditions since I was born. Now, however, I still like the traditions but wish there were two Christmas days - one with my dad, one with my mom. I don't like sharing it and opening gifts with them both and eating breakfast and dinner together. It shouldn't be like that anymore and when we are all together, pretending nothing ever went wrong, it makes everything so much worse.

I don't like school. Maybe all this negativity is just because it's cold and snowy, but I'm sick of doing all this work for nothing. I'm tired of learning about statistics when nothing will come of it in my future. I'm tired of having to be surrounded by stubborn stares and annoying voices. But I guess no matter what I do or where I go, nothing will change. People will still have opinions and people will still sound annoying and stare through you. I guess that is just the world we live in. Sad, isn't it?

'They act out this play and so do I."

I haven't written poems in years. For creative writing, we had to write three poems: school, home and friends. This is what I got:

These Tiles (School)

It’s either this stall or the couch
Across the hall it calls for me
I dare whisper back
For these tiles keep me warm

Warm from the monitors that question
And the musky scent of hallway smoke
Warm from lip-sticked laughs
And choking stares I can’t ignore

It’s either this stall or the couch
Across the hall - its call will never fail
For even if I whisper back
I’ll be sitting here tomorrow on these tiles

Two Shouting Ghosts (Home)

This stone pillowcase keeps my imprint well
For I never move from this position
I never see a reason to budge

That shouting sound caresses my ear
I wish I didn’t hear it through this pillowcase
If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have budged

The top of the darkened stairway hides my shadow
Even though their shadows are two angry ghosts
I am glued to the rug below me – I wish I could budge

My eyes don’t fool me and my trembling doesn’t lie
For if those shouting ghosts saw my darkened shadow
I’d run back home to my stone pillowcase and the imprint it keeps

Truth Behind Friends

They’re real, they’re fake.
They joke, they lie.
They act out this play,
And so do I.


I've been thinking lately, even though I love my friends in Rochester - I need an escape. I've been thinking about what it would be like to move in with my big sister and nephews in Washington for a few months - across the country. It would be different - waking up to a different environment, being with my family and around people I do not know. It would be an adventure, a time I could write and write and write and figure out who I am and what I want to do.

But this is all just what's in my mind. It will never happen.

my life as a see-saw

Oh I don't believe it,
That I could be so deceiving
And bringing you down to feel this lack of loyalty.
You were a song in my head,
The warmth of the sheets in my bed.
A story forever told, but never old,
A warm arrival never left so cold.
Don't blink, don't close your eyes,
But most of all don't apologize.
It's me who's got the demons to wrestle now.
- Sherwood, Song in my Head


It's funny how something can be so great one moment and then nothing the next - even if that something you thought was there, wasn't really in the first place. People fall way too fast, I being one of them. I guess I need to relax and wait. Even though waiting is the most painful of actions.

So I'm back to the start
At that wooden, rusting see-saw
Near that half broken bridge
Should I jump over to the other side
Even if I'm still the one
Who ends up on the bottom
Of the see-saw every time?
I'll just have to wait
Until it's my turn to rise to the sky.

"Stuck between trust, belief and the right thing to do."

I'm beginning to feel trapped inside my own skin. Again. I'm feeling helpless and weak - not the usual lively and energetic person I remember from the past. Perhaps it is because I'm learning that I can never trust - even the people I'm supposed to from the start. I don't know what I do wrong - if anything at all. I'm kind and caring and never try to hurt anybody's feelings. Yet, my two brand new roommates decide to blame me for stealing - an act I would never be a part of. Since they decided to blame me without any questioning or evidence, they took some of my own food and poured it around the hall, taking photos of them doing it as if it were a joke. I don't understand why they would automatically point a finger at me because I never would do something to them in such an immature and childish manner. I truly would never do anything like that to anyone, really. When I overheard their conversation - I felt trapped, not only inside my own skin, but inside the one place I'm supposed to call home during my school year. I confronted them in the nicest way possible - because I really can't be mean even if I tried. I felt like I was being attacked for something I was never apart of. I hate this. I hate this emotion known as fear because it's the one emotion I'm so used to returning. Now it has.

Lately, I wish that I could just travel to California or England or Maryland to just work on my writing. I hate school, not MCC, but the whole idea of classes and tests and unneeded and unwanted work. I just wish I could get an agent and get my book published with the snap of my fingers. Life isn't that simple and I know what for sure. Simple is when you read directions and the outcome is perfect. Simple is when you wake up in the morning and your class is canceled. Simple is when you hear your phone vibrate and it is a text message from the one person you were hoping it was from. Life isn't simple. It can't be.

If crushes were simple, they wouldn't be crushes at all. They would be relationships. That's why crushes continuously crush you even when they don't mean to. But then, they confuse you when they want you near constantly - their arms holding onto your body with strength. But then the word crush comes back around because you can't tell what you and him truthfully are. That's why it is called a crush.



Here is an excerpt from the latest chapter of A Separation of Heart:

Lylie turned around and walked towards him, staring at the enlarged painting behind the futon. It was one that she seemed to have not noticed; yet now she couldn’t help but stare. It was a framed painting, the strokes quite harsh and quick. The picture was of a man with his head balancing on top of his right palm with a bottle of some sort of unknown liquor being held in the left. The man’s eyes were dark and shadowed, the interior almost as black as the bags that slept beneath. He had longer, almond colored hair that went just below his ears – not quite as dark as Noah’s but quite similar. His mouth was down turned and his left hand held tightly to the bottle, purple veins protruding from his rough looking hand.
“Is this a picture of you? It looks like an older version of yourself,” Lylie asked. However, Noah remained silent, his head shaking slowly.
“No.”
“Oh. Then who is it?” Lylie asked. Noah turned his glance to Lylie, his eyes almost identical to the ones on the painting; all except for the heavy bruise he was wearing instead. He looked up at the painting and then towards Lylie once more – his breathing tense.
“It’s my father,” Noah said. Silence grew thick between the two of them and even though the air seemed raw, Lylie slowly tried to put the puzzle together – each piece seemingly wrong.

The impact that Rhinos bring

Am I the only one that feels alone
Though, all is home emotions flow
Am I the only one that hears the tears run down my face
Would anybody recognize at all
Cause I know I'm so slow
But I'm trying
And I'm still dying to know
Say you won't leave for the rest of my life
Life's the only thing that deals the pain
Like pouring rain
Breeding hate
And I don't wanna do no wrong
My God, it's been so long
Please comfort me before I go insane
- Unwritten Law, The Rest of My Life

From a car crash to death - this semester has already been a whirlwind. Whirlwind. Maybe more like a hurricane or a tornado. And within the perplexity of all this chaos - I think I may have found something worth my while to hold onto. A person; someone. He is funny and kind; someone I feel 100% myself around yet am not afraid to bare my insecurities on my sleeve for him to view. However - I am still uncertain. I don't know if we are merely close friends or something more and am too nervous and fearful to bring up the subject because I constantly expect the worst. I've been let down too many times before. I feel like I could trust him, but I'm still so afraid to trust anyone. I feel safe around him, but safetly has always been an issue to contemplate. My emotions are fried in the weirdest of ways. Some of them are puzzled out of mere attraction towards him and some are frightened because I never expect perfection. Even with him - someone so genuine and great - I'm scared.

I have decided that Addiction isn't written to my best ability and therefore would need months of editing and possible re-writing to get it publish-worthy. So, for now, I will continue to write A Separation of Heart. This book is well-written and though I am taking my time writing it, I think that is better than rushing into it - much like I did with Addiction. A.S.O.H. circles the life of a family broken up by divorce. It's strange and ironic that the whole undertow of the story is that the father cheated and ruined his children's adolescense - much relatable to my own life. But it also is a love story, a story of pain, a story of flashbacks, a story of life. It's everything in one package and therefore should be something spectacular. I hope.



Rest In Peace Angela O'Laskey

death is unfair.

A website you must watch:

Documentary on Teenage Cancer in Rochester. Angela O'Laskey is the first patient interviewed and talked with. I recognized other familliar faces from Camp Good Days.

http://www.13wham.com/mediacenter/local.aspx?videoid=186887@video.wokr13.com&navCatId=300

Even though it has been weeks since Angela's death - it really became real to me today in two ways. 1) My camper Taisey called and I had to tell her the news. She told me how Angela had helped her with her make-up and helped her grab the attention of the counselor she adored by using some of Angela's dance moves. She said that she knew that after camp Angela would have to go back to the hospital because her port was still intact. However, Taisey never imagined that Angela would die. 2) The documentary above was shot over the past year during Angela's fight with cancer. It shows her without hair, with her wig, at school and with her friends - acting like any normal teenager would. And then - she is gone.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and talk to her about some things I wanted to discuss with her. Some aspects of our life that were connected not just because of our cancerous pasts. I don't understand death. Why am I alive and she isn't? Why did a one-year-old child get diognosed with cancer and survive and how come a 14-year-old dies from it? Nothing makes sense. I wish I could go to Strong Memorial Hospital and talk to some of the teenagers and children about cancer and just be their friend and make them stronger. I don't know how much I would help - but just knowing I had tried to change someones life would make not only myself stronger, but hopefully the child in pain as well.

Death is unfair. I don't understand it and truthfully... I probably never will.

Rest in Peace Angela O'Laskey.

the good and the bad

The past week has been quite difficult. From dealing with Angela's death to classes and tests to just being emotionally drained - it hasn't been too easy.

Tonight my father came to Rochester and brought me to Olive Garden. When we were sitting there, I witnessed the most irritating visual I have ever seen: a father, mother and approximately 10-year-old daughter were sitting eating and obviously the father had had too much wine already. He looked like an alcoholic if you looked at him. Then, out of no where, he began to scream and shout at his wife saying statements like, "you're the shittiest wife anyone could have" and "you only care about your damn self." He was so loud; flaunting his arms and standing up and moving around. We all tried to not watch and listen to them - but it was pretty hard not to notice. The saddest part of it all was the daughter - just sitting there and watching it all happen. First of all, I hate seeing families fight and it brought my mind back to when my parents would fight. They never did what this couple had done - but it was still frustrating. I asked my dad if I could go say something, because I couldn't stand the fact that he would do this in front of his daughter. Obviously I didn't say anything. I wish I had. It's just depressing that someone would do that not only at a nice restaurant, but in front of their own child. It's disgusting.

My dad had sent money to St. Jude's Hospital a month of so back and they always send back papers thanking the doner and a photo of a child going through treatment. Ironically, the child's photo and description that he recieved was one of a boy with Neuroblastoma - what I had. My dad gave me the photo and it is hanging under a picture of Angela on my mirror. Also, my dad and I are looking into a self publishing group called Author Publishing Experts. It would give me 25 copies of my book for not too bad of a cost. I would do anything for this; even though it would mean intense editing for the next month. He said he would give it to me for Christmas and pay for it. Perfect. To be able to hold the book I wrote in my hand, completely binded and written in novel form would be priceless and everything I have worked toward.

I have a crush. I'm afraid to pursue it, but I want to so badly. I guess, especially after witnessing the family feud at Olive Garden, I'm still nervous to even think about a relationship. But I'll take it day to day. If he is truly interested - he will try too. If he tried - I will try back. Simple as that.



Rest In Peace Angela O'Laskey
"Belief makes things real.
Makes things feel, feel alright."

Cancer.

R.I.P Angela O'Laskey

If it weren't for your week at Camp Good Days and Special Times I never would have been able to meet one of the most beautiful and strongest teenagers known. I know you're watching down on us from heaven and you will never be forgotten. Cancer is a horrible disease and some of us get lucky - and some do not. But when you're in heaven - you will meet Teddy Mervis and make sure to thank her for being the reason that Camp Good Days began.

You are an amazing person and your beauty will always be remembered and recognized. I love you and will miss seeing your smile and hearing your laugh at Camp Good Days this summer. But I know that you will be there in spirit, swinging on the playground and sitting in the Ring of Honor. Angela, thank you for the time you spend on Earth and it will never be forgotten.

Angela O'Laskey passed away on Sunday September 30th 2007 after suffering through Ewing's Sarcoma - a cancerous tumor - since January of this year. Please keep her in your prayers and remember to support the charities trying to find cures for cancer. I was lucky enough to survive this deadly disease - but some are not. Rest in peace, Angela. You are, were and always will be loved.

'An adventure into Borders'

Today my alarm didn't go off. It's funny because some people would be happy that they missed class and a meeting to fall asleep for a longer period of time. I was not one of those individuals. I felt like a horrible person and student and felt lazy because I had nothing truly on my plate for the rest of the day. So after emailing my teacher and gathering my laptop, Second Glance by Jodi Picoult and my notebook for Art History - I drove to Borders to feel a little useful.

When I entered the building, I felt the need to wonder. I hadn't been alone in the bookstore for a while now and wanted to look at the newest novels and read a little bit about them. It's kind of funny, being and up and coming writer, because I find it fascinating to merely look at the cover of a book, see the publisher, read the first sentence and set it down. It gives me a little bit of a heads up for my own inner author. The cover gives me an idea for my future illustrator. The publisher allows me to see who the most popular one for the time being is and if they would ever give my book a chance. The first sentence is the most important part; it allows me to compare the first statement of the random novel to my own and see if they both equally attract attention. Sometimes I got irritated - reading sentences that were of no interest at all yet got published. I continue to hope that my books will be recognized and the only thing I need now is the energy and hope that I can keep pressing on.

A small statement from page 86 of A Separation of Heart:
As the two of them began to dive into their dinners, Lylie couldn’t stop thinking about the memories she had just flown back into. Times of trial and times of regret. Yet, throughout those difficult moments – she had been able to dig out a memory of goodness.
Something she had been hoping she still had left.

writers block

Latest advice from Jodi Picoult in an email recieved recently:
"You can edit a bad page, not a blank one."

Lately, I haven't been able to write in my novel as much. From school work to the Monroe Doctrine - I've felt empty for words when it comes to writing for myself. It is quite frustrating to state it bluntly. I need my writing like people need oxygen. My book is coming along quite well however, and you can really, truly tell how much my writing has changed within the past year. It's much more descriptive and real and the details sometimes blow me away. I guess after I read a passage or two from A Separation of Heart, I feel more confident and like an actual author. Yet, when I go to Creative Writing early in the morning on Tuesdays and Thursday - I feel ordinary and average; I don't feel the confidence I feel after I have written a good few pages or even sentenses of my book.

So Like Jodi Picoult said - I have to write something because you can only change what is there, not what isn't. So I will push myself. Because once I am pushed to do what I know I truly love - I will never stop for a second.

"What else is the world worth?"

I've been having emotional outbursts lately. Some, that many people are probably unaware of because I leave before I explode.

This weekend I went to Hornell to hang out with Kasey's family and friends. I realized how lucky she is. Her family is perfect. No questions asked. Her parents are in love and have been for 25 years. Also, her friends are awesome and I envy the fact that she still remains so close to her friends from High School. I wish I had a family so together and friends I could count on when coming back home for a weekend.

After what happened last nite - I realized there is no way I will probably ever be able to trust anyone of the male species. One of my closest friends had a devestating breakup last night and it came as quite the shock. I drove to pick her up and I couldn't believe that after a year of nothing but passion - the passion could be thrown away so quickly. I don't understand how that can happen. Maybe I shouldn't push the fact that I want to get into a relationship because I fear that will happen to me. I couldn't stand another cheating, lying male figure to come into my life and then drop me in a second. I want to be in love. Yet, I'm afraid of it.

I also need to continue to write the book I'm currently in the middle of. I've been having major writers block and it is very frustrating. I need to begin to do something for myself and need to stop trying to please everyone else.


I need time for me.

"nineteen and no place to go"

My birthday weekend was fabulous. From the mass amounts of jello shots to the fact that I saw my mother and sister as well as surprises from Calla and Maria - I'd say I'm happily content. We went out on Saturday night, September 15th, and ended up at Meigs Street by 4:30 am on my actual date of birth. Sierra Cramer had come up from Syracuse and it was funny to see her come to celebrate our birthday together. Drunkily. Overall, I had a great time and am so glad that my friends at MCC really do care about me.

Now here comes the reason why I am still horribly stressed. For the first time in months - I'm irratated because of guys. Yes, men. For some reason, I've been making some quite interesting choices over the past week, choices that confuse me. Choices that for my entire life I never thought would change me and choices that are making me really, really sit down and think. I don't want to be tied down just yet - my subconcious keeps reminding me of that. However, I want to be in a relationship - but not one that is so different from how I've lived in the past. Many of you may not understand a word I'm saying. Some of you - understand it fully. But to put it simply - I don't want to do something so out of my element and I don't know who I really want.



Alfred State this weekend with Kasey and Sara to visit Gregory. =]
And the stress continues...

sophmore slump

Life is evil. It is horrid and wrong and disgusting in so many ways. Take war, for instance. People think the most humane way to solve conflict is by killing each other. How humane does that truly sound?

But really, the most disgusting thing about life is what some people will do just to make themselves feel stronger; to feel content with themselves and not how they effect others. Men believe that they can constantly overpower women. In truth, they feel like they can get away with anything. They can say what they want and when they want to. They can act how they want because they think it is okay. And men will have sex with whoever they feel like having sex with - even when the time is totally out of hand. Whether their partner is unwilling or drunk, they will find away to make themselves the stronger individual.

How pathetic is that? This world that we live in is turning into a trash can full of grossly out of order men. They always think they are the better gender. I hate that. Woman are strong - but when it comes to overpowering a man, it can put a damper on our strength. The world sees women as a target. We are whores, sluts and hoes. But when it comes to men - they are nothing but pimps or whatever else people say that builds them up when people tear women apart for doing the same thing.

The point is - who can anybody trust anymore? When men are cheating on, lieing to and raping women - where do we really stand in society?

It's disgusting and it makes me sick.

songs of the week

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
- A Fine Frenzy, Almost Lover


It's undeniable how brilliant you are
In an unreliable world you shine like a star
It's unforgettable now that we've come this far
It's unmistakable that you're undeniable
- Matt Kearney, Undeniable


It was good to see some of the best people last night.
I miss them.
A lot.

"And nothing can get worse in the best place for me"

It's wonderful to see the people I have been missing all summer. It's great to see the faces of people who remember me when I totally forgot who they were. It's great to be growing closer to people who I knew of in High School but now know.

It's not great, however, that I totaled my car within the first 48 hours.

Yes. Maybe what people say is true: I'm not a great driver. However, I think I am a very cautious and careful driver. Maybe that's just in Camillus, not on the streets of Rochester. I guess today it was one of those surreal moments, as Sara put it. We were turning onto East Henrietta at one of the busiest intersections near MCC, and thanks to Sara for pointing out the fact that a car was coming straight on at us - we didn't die. Just hit head on and totaled both cars. I closed my eyes after it happened - hoping it was a dream. But it wasn't at all. The car hit us so hard and he was driving so fast. Sara said thank god I hit the breaks and we were wearing seatbelts - or else we be dead.

So on a lighter note - my roommates are amazing. I like them both and they both seem like genuinely nice people. Which is excellant. Tomorrow I have classes.

And a lot of calls to make.

A thought of the moment.

It's occured to me that you will never change. It's also occured to me that you choose what you find to be of most importance in your life - work. Work before friends. Work before others. Work before your daughter. No matter what the circumstance may be, it's always your career (the 3 or 4 that you have) before the 4 children that have waited years to see you alter into the father you need to become. We need you. More then life itself. Life without a father figure creates insecurities that can never be explained. It creates actions that no one else can regret but the person regretting them. It creates emotions that steer people in the opposite direction of love. Trust. Life.

If only you knew how much you have hurt me and crushed my heart and soul. You will never know. Why? Because you only care about what is best for you. And at this moment - it is not your family. It's work.

'you're just a whore, nothing more. Sorry that will never change."

Sell me out I'm yesterday's old news,
phrases left on paper, black ink bleeding through
the pages where we made our history.
Call me foolish,
I feel hopeless...
Like a dear caught in the headlights
I won't know what hit me...
Running from lions,
never felt like such a mistake
- All Time Low, Running From Lions

It's strange that the summer is finally coming to a close. The sun is setting earlier; the air is becoming hazy. I've been packing up boxes for the past couple of days and it hasn't occured to me yet that I will miss this summer - because I wont. I've come to realize that High School is just a test. A bubble in scantron that if you get a few questions wrong, you can't make it up. Until college. I failed all those damn tests in High School and last year I made up for lost time. But High School is a different story. I was a band geek (even though I didn't enjoy it with much enthusiasm). I was the gym teachers daughter (coming into HS with an already made reputation). I cried during class (showing my insecurities and frowned upon embaressments). I had many aquaintances. Only a few friends that I would keep forever.

I guess that's how I saw it, at least. The stereotypical view of High School. However, college helped me start over and perhaps that is why I love it so much. Last year I stopped caring about what others thought about me when I walked down the hall. I tried to keep my chin up and to not be afraid to say hello to an aquaintance that may turn into a friend. I lived in a different setting, where I could make my name known (sometimes in a not so good way). I can't say I'm 'popular' now, because really - that's not what I want. I just wanted to be content with being Jenni - a quirky, goofy girl. And the fact that I'm leaving behind a summer so boring and walking back into a world I know too well - only makes my excitement roar louder.

The other day, I visited one of my campers from CGD with Ryan and Katie. Angela, a 14-year-old who is suffering greatly from Ewings Sarcoma, came with us as we took over Chuckie Cheese and Target for a day. It was great to see her doing so well and having so much fun, even thought I knew she was suffering so much. She had told me earlier that week that her doctors said she only had a week or so left. That idea killed me. I needed to visit her. So I rounded up the troops and we took a roadtrip to see her for the day. Today she is in Las Vegas because her Make A Wish came in. That's good and bad. It's great because she is there yet it is horrible because the Make A Wish Foundation only grants the wishes of people who are terminal. God bless her and I hope to god her tumor stops suffocating her body. She's too good of a soul to send away.

"Neon city lights && a constant bloody nose"

Now that I'm not glued to my bed - I'll update.


NYC was outstanding. Just being in the city with absolutely no rules, regulations or a constant schedule - allowed me to stop and breathe for a moment. And actually having the time to spend a day or so with my dad was probably a decent thing for me as well. It has been months, years since I had a vacation with my father. Most of the time I never wanted to spend a moment with him until made - but this was different. He's a good person, whether I try to convince myself otherwise. He's made bad decisions. Horrid decisions that practically cost me my life. But he's trying so hard to make my sister and I love him like we used to. Even though he bought us quite a bit of clothes and souvenirs, brought us to see Rent on Broadway (which was excellant) and dealt with Carly and my constant goofiness and the urge to run after people with stollen designer purses - I will still never love him the way I used to. You may think I sound absolutely selfish, but that's just what happens when part of you has been ripped out and thrown away. You can't find it. But if part of that thrown away part of me is found someday and mended back into my skin - maybe I will slowly step back towards loving my father. And I really hope I trip over a lost part of my heart soon, because it's hard not having a father.

Surgery. Surgery is probably the easiest way to explain pain. Hell, is the best description. It's weird, knowing I had so many surgeries as a child. From chemo to radiation to everything - it's strange that a simple Sinoplasty (or whatever it's called) can feel 20x worse then cancer. Maybe it's because the pain is still on the edge of my fingers. Who knows. But waking up from anesthesia with a cotton mask wrapped around your face and practically a whole roll of toilet paper stuffed up your nose is not the most pleasant of feelings. I don't even remember the rest of Monday. I slept the day away, waking up every hour because I was in so much pain. The day after, the cotton was removed and holy-hell that was the scariest thing yet. Seriously, I didn't know that much shit could be stuffed up your nose. Not fun. So now I'm here. Finally able to type on my computer. I'm stubborn enough to have stuck my nose ring back in. Half way at least - it's still too swollen to see if it made it through to the other side. Probably not.

Monroe Community College is practically here. Well, maybe a little over a week away but I can feel it growing nearer. I went shopping today and got some new things. Friday I will go all out school/dorm shopping at Target aka thebeststoreever. I made a few photo collages and began digging through the boxes I swear I just packed up. I'm still on the search for a poster of Zach Efron. No joke, I need to find one. I want to be more organzied this year. Actually no, I NEED to be more organized this year. I have a busy schedule. From working at the RAC tuesdays and thursdays to being the Opinion Editor to having a full load of classes - I need to be prepared for the work I have brought upon myself. But I like having schedules. They keep me on track. Maybe that's what my summer missed - having a plan every day. But at this moment, my plan is to get ready for my life to start again. For my world to be surrounded by people, places and things I have missed and loved. This summer has been a nothing summer. This summer has proved to me what High School means. If you are a no one in high school - your summers at home will be nothing. But the people who do show up will mean the world. And those few who I did see this summer - I thank dearly.

"Would you wait if I came running home to you?"

And tonight I walk through an empty street
With my shadow stretching in front of me
When my lonely thoughts meet my lonely feet
And the cold reminds me that I've chosen this life
- Sherwood, The Town That You Live In

Being back in MCC for the past few days has given me the strength and thrill in life that I have been missing. The excitement of being around people I truly have fun with and being surrounded by a familliar atmosphere just makes me that much more excited for this school year to begin. The past few days I have been working at the Monroe Doctrine for over 6 hours each day. Truthfully, even thought it is tiring, hard working writing so many articles each day and learning layout - I'm really enjoying it. Being Opinion Editor gives me so much more power when setting up the newspaper. Today (Wednesday) I was at the office from 9am - 7pm. I worked the orientation and tried to recruit some people, some which I don't think will really help out. I've learned that I like being a leader. I like being the one who hands out article leadsheets and I like being the one to recruit new writers. Tomorrow is my last day in Rochester until I come back for the semester on Septemeber 4th. I hope to see Sara tonight or tomorrow, because I miss her dearly and we need to get some dorm stuff. I've been hanging out with Kasey everyday and she just makes my life just that much more memorable. We drank wine the first night, went to the movies with Sarah and Vanessa last night and went to Panera today. A bunch more people have been trying to get ahold of me but I've been really too busy this week to hang out or go out with them all. I can't wait until school starts. It's where I'm truly happy.

This weekend I am going to NYC with my dad and Carly. It should be fun. But the days following will be horrid. I have surgery on Monday and then two doctors appointments the following days. I want to go see Greg on Thursday but my doctor said I can't drive within the first week of recovery. That makes me extremely depressed. I haven't seen him all summer. It's seriously something I'm going to do, whether or not those damn doctors say I can or can't. Then Suzy's party is on friday and I know I will be going to that, even if I got cotton balls in my nose.

Oh yeah, I got a car. It's a silver taurus SES with a cd player and leather seats. Oh and by the way, the battery died on Monday morning before my first session at the MD. It took me three hours, three cups of coffee and $200 before I got it back later that day. But I like it and am glad I finally have something to drive myself places in.

MCC = love
Can't wait!

"you've got magic in your fingertips"

Catch up:

1) Wedding this weekend in Plattsburgh
2) MCC August 13th-17th - Monroe Doctrine issue 1 layout
3) NYC w/ Dad and Carly weekend of the 18th
4) Nose/sinus surgery the 20th
5) Yearly check-up on the 22nd @ University
6) Finally get to see Gregory on the 23rd!
7) Possibly Buffalo the weekend of the 25th
8) Fair with camp people
9) RETURN TO MCC on the 2nd (I believe)!

So, now that you all know the rest of my life... yeah. The one thing I'm most excited about is what I have to wait until the end for - school. Isn't it crazy that I am more excited for returning to MCC then the fair? I find that odd. I don't know, maybe it's because I've had a quiet summer - mainly because a) my aquaintances are in Syracuse and b) my friends are in Rochester. That's really that.

I'm not much for words right now. Or lately, to be truthful. I haven't written much lately. I guess I'm having major writers block - a month long of it. I've been cranky lately and I think it's because I haven't been writing. But since I am going to be extra busy this month, I don't know when I will have much time to finish or get close to done with my second book. Oh well, I know I will have time.

It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes i always know
that you make me smile please stay for a while now
just take your time where ever you go
- Bubbly, Colbie Caillat

"You amaze me - Camp Good Days && Special Times"

No one can truly say they understand

When they haven't spent a week

Under the stars

In the rain

Though the heat of the sun

And hand in hand

With people who mean so much

This was my third year being a volunteer at Camp Good Days and Special Times during the Doing A World of Good Week. Even though I spend most of my time being surrounded by people who have been there tripled the time I have, I still feel as if I have been going there for years and years and really, I couldn't imagine feeling any different.

This week was the best week of my life. For some reason, being a counselor during this week felt much different from the years past. I felt secure and alive. I felt that even though people were contantly joking with me and everyone else, that their jokes were only showing me how much they cared. There were many new campers this week and maybe that was what was different. Maybe the fact that my two orginal campers, Amber and Taisey, weren't in my cabin anymore - made my time spent that much different, allowing me to meet new amazing campers and people.

The thing about spending a week with cancer survivors and children still going through treatment, is that it makes you realize how fragile life is. This week, I felt so close to everyone. The campers really confided in me and told me stories about when they were really sick and really feeling low. They told me jokes about the hospital and about the doctors they loved and didn't care for. They told me how lucky they were to be at a place where everyone has something in common - a terrible sickness and a love of life.

Even after the campers went to sleep, the volunteers made jokes about their pasts. Most of us being cancer survivors as well, allowed ourselves to be open with one another about the memories we had when we were near death. We talked about the types of cancer we had and the marks on us that made it real. We joked about how certain kinds can be considered the flu and how some wished they could have been sick during school so they could have had time off. Many people don't really understand, but when you are at Camp - you learn to.

This week at Camp Good Days was my third and most memorable week yet. From getting shaving creamed, water ballooned, dunked, and TP'd to playing games on the playground, cuddling under the stars and joking about our past - one thing is for sure, I could never survive without this place. I could never imagine a world without this camp.

"Because a world without Camp Good Days, isn't really a world at all."

Miss&&Love:

Jasmine, Alyssa 'Jo-Jo,' Ericka, Erin G., Amy, Nick aka Charlie Brown, Ryan, Justin, Chris, Jomo, Mary, Matt, Pete, Rob, Chad, Greg, Erin I., Megan, The Campers and sooooo many more!

"Without love, life is like the seasons without summer"

Today was eventful.
Quite eventful.

It began with me going to see Hairspray with Kylee. I had seen the commercials, the show live and a special on Oprah and just by that - I knew it would be my favorite musical of the summer. I learned a lot from the movie: appearance doesn't mean everything and that your weight doesn't determine the kind of person you are. Sure, we've all known that for decades - but the questions is - do we really believe it? I know I'm going to keep trying to, but it's difficult. It also made me realize how much I miss singing. Part of me wishes I could go back to High School and show everyone what I can do. But I was too afraid then.

Oh, and by the way - I am pretty much in love with Link Larkin, aka Zac Efron. Um, yeah. If anyone wants the key to my heart, pretty much be him. Thanks.

I've been looking at cars with my mom lately and really, it's quite the rush. Me, having my own vehicle - finally. However, it's not for certain yet. I'm in love with a Focus Hatchback but because of our budget, I will probably have a Taurus and that's okay with me. A car is a car is a car. Right?

The Harry Potter final book premiere was at midnight and I went to Borders to cover the story. Sure, I'm a HP fan - but I'm not one to wait for hours in line for the book. I'll buy it at Wegmans the day after. I am also not one to read it all within a few hours. Truthfully, I don't see that as being a true fan and a true reader. I just see that as obsession and competition. If you read a novel too quickly, you don't get enough time to digest the entire plot. At least that's what I think from a writers perspective. You need time to think about the words you are looking over, not just skim them and move on. Maybe that's why it may take me days, weeks or months to finish the final book. But really, who knows. It could take me a day or two - yet I doubt that.

And I have Camp to look forward to next week. And when I get back, if anyone mentions to me any detail from the book - they will get ran over by a hopefully focus hatchback.

A, B, C.

You're a falling star, you're the get away car.
You're the line in the sand when I go too far.
You're the swimming pool, on an August day.
And you're the perfect thing to say.
And you play it coy, but it's kinda cute.
Ah, when you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true.
Cause you can see it when I look at you.
And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
- Everything, Michael Buble

Garage Party '07 = amazing.
"No one can pretend to understand, because only family does"

I'm awaiting two three things within the next month:
A) Doing a World of Good I - 22nd - 27th
B) Going to MCC for MD orientation/issue 1 layout
C) GOING BACK TO MCC

I don't know how many days or weeks or whatever until I go back to school but it's becoming too hard to wait. I couldn't sleep last night. I haven't been writing or sending out to agents. I just haven't been myself and I blame the lack of MCCness in my life right now. I need those people. I need to get back to having a schedule. I need to get a job. I need to meet more people. I need to go out with the people I know are my true friends. I miss it all too much and it's so difficult to go an entire summer being somewhere you really can't stand. Sure, I love seeing my mom, dad, sister and the few friends who still care - but it's so much easier to be at a place when you can reinvent yourself and really get a sense of where you are going in life. I'm going to try to get back to my book and sending to agents. I will try to sleep more and work out daily. But really, I'm not promising myself anything. Because it just wont feel right.

"A wizard alone has less magic then I"

Everyone is magic. Corny, I know, but like in the Little Princess how she said that 'all girls are princesses' - I believe that everyone has a magic spell or two brewing inside of them. Whether it is from the mere thought of a past memory or an unforgettable dream - the power within to make that memory become real once again or that dream come true, takes magic. Maybe not the Harry Potter kind of sorcery, but a magic more related to bravery. When someone does something that they have been too afraid to do and makes it real - that's magic.

I feel filled. Filled because I have had a lot of my mind lately. Since returning from my first week this summer at Camp Good Days, I can't stop thinking how exciting the next week will be with the people I me for the first time three years ago. The family Garage Party is this weekend and in truth, that speaks for itself. I need to lose weight and nothing has changed, so that has filled up my thoughts as well. The whole idea of going back to school exites me. I can't wait any longer. I need to be with those people; I need to recreate myself again. I just need to feel at home with myself and even though school is over a month away - I just can't wait any longer.

The past few nights, I've been having frustrating dreams. Dreams I know wont come true, with any amount of magic. That's the one thing about magic: it can't make people fall in or out of love. That's up to the dreamer.

"Hmmm I wanna linger

A little longer

A little longer with you"

-

No one can understand unless you have been there. Unless you have stood in the Ring of Honor with your second family. Unless you have participated in a prank. Unless Tuck-In's are your favorite thing to do before you fall asleep. No one can understand the love that is passed on from heart to heart at a place so pure and real.

-

Camp Good Days and Special Times = Love

USA Alumni '07

Can't wait until Doing a World of Good I
July 22- 27
The Original Crew <3

'some facts are better left in the past'

I learned some spooky facts about my family the other night. I learned that what you see from the outside can't help you predict the burning from within. That's what I learned.

It seems to me that my family is just an ongoing line up of cheating, lying men. That divorce is just something that happens in life - even with my grandparents. I learned that my Pop pop divorced my grandma for another woman. This I never knew and never even imagined. I also learned that my grandmother then overdosed on pills and was sent to a phych ward for two weeks. This, again, I never thought was possible for a woman so strong on the outside.

Maybe this answered a few questions about my life not just in the past, but the present. Maybe this world is just full of untrustworthy and irresponsible men. Maybe, divorce can run in a family - no matter how stupid that sounds. And maybe, depression does too. My grandmother, my father, me. Maybe I am more like my grandmother then I ever believed. And it's truthfully scary to even think about that.

Many don't know the truth about my past, that I somehow found a way to cover up. If I've lived a life with cheating men - how will I ever grow up thinking I can find one who is not like that? How will I be able to trust someone who I fear will fall into the same footprints that the men in my past have? Maybe whatever higher power is up there, is just testing me. Trying to figure out what I can really live through. And maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll find a man who wont be like the ones I've been surrounded by for years and years.

And my grandmother will be watching, just nodding her head at how much we have both survived.

"I think something is burning"

I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
And true, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home
- The Postal Service

It's strange. Everything seems to be going well for me but I still feel empty. I just had a cover story published in the Solvay Geddes Express. I just wrote another story for the Camillus Advocate. I'm able to go back to Camp. I've been going out a few times a week. But the reason I feel empty is because I'm missing people who have altered my life within the last year.

I'm missing someone I wish I wasn't. I'm missing him because he was always there but never was. He didn't go to my college but didn't live too far away. He would travel an hour out of his way to see me. We would laugh. We would just be ourselves. And yet, I feel lost. Maybe because he is so far away in so many ways right now. I know he doesn't know this is how I feel and truthfully, I don't even know why I'm feeling this way either. I really don't. But the thing that's killing me is that during the time we were around each other, I never even thought about the fact that he would be hanging out with other people. And now that the reality of that has set in, I'm falling apart. And I really wish I wasn't.

This weekend I went up to Lake Ontario with Calla again and as we were on Mike's boat, I read an article on Amy Winehouse. First off, I had always thought she sounded like a man. I never liked her eye make-up. And her hair always looked like there was a cat sitting on top of her head. However, I learned that people do what they do because of their past. In truth, Amy Winehouse and I have a lot of in common. I wont say what, but all you intelligent people should figure it out. She's had a tough past and has allowed her emotions out through song. Even if I despise some things about her, I learned from her article that you really can't judge before you know the reasons behind people's actions. And now, I haven't stopped listening to her manly sounding Rehab song for hours. Why? Just because now, I like her music.

I've been through darker days

Yesterday was CGD&ST volunteer orientation and being at the campgrounds made me realize how amazing people can be. I've been around people who haven't be the nicest towards me - insults, jokes, lies. But when I got to see the people I share time with while there, I realized that some of the greatest people on earth volunteer and work for Camp Good Days. I drove down with Erin and Julie from International week and it was great to see them. The first person I saw when I got onto the campgrounds was Brian - which was amazing. I forgot how awesome he was, even if he did get me in trouble. Actually, I got me in trouble. It's horrible that he wont be volunteering during Alumni week. But he better sneak into that week. Because without him, it wont be the same. No intense swinging sessions at night. It just wont work.

-

Lately, I just haven't been myself. Maybe it's because three years ago around this time, my dad left us. The actual day he told my mom was a couple days ago, three years ago. That day, I was in one of the worst moods of my life. I went for a drive and almost ran over a rabbit, got attacked by a bee while driving and got lost in cow town. That night, I went to look for the Solvay Geddes Express because my article got front page and I went all over town and couldn't find it and got another bloody nose on the way home while getting lost. Not a good time. I'm unhappy with my weight and it's getting to me heavily now. I need to lose weight. This isn't who I am. I saw Danny last night at Wal-Mart too and all of a sudden I couldn't help but think about everything that happened three years ago. How we were best friends, how we dated and how so much shit went down. Everything was just so dark and not good. Sure, now everything is much better, but the emotions stirring inside of me are not stable. I'm still not who I was before the separation. I still fake happy a lot and I still fear relapse. The mere fact that I think about my problem makes me realize that it's still there. That it hasn't dissapeared.

-

Things on my mind:

-Okay, I miss Gregory. A lot. I want to go down and visit him in Georgia even if he doesn't want to see me. Because I need to see him.

-I probably wont have a job this summer. Except for writing articles for the Advocate.

-Brian NEEDS to go to USA Alumni week. End of story.

-I miss my friends from MCC. They became a part of me and now they're just gone. Part of me is missing.

-I miss singing. I've been singing a lot lately and I need to go to a Kareoke or try out for something. 20% of me misses band-geek Jenni-Graham.

-I'm afraid of relapse.

'On my way to the middle ground'

Sometime this week, you will see an article reviewing Bishop Ludden's Graduation on the cover of the Solvay-Geddes Express and in the Camillus Advocate. Why? Because I was asked to write it and I did it well enough that it made it in not one, but two newspapers.


I'm psyched.


The End.

'dream another sunshine with you'

It's all the same, we all make mistakes
And if you didn't notice,
I'm taking this for all its worth
If it's a game, and these are the stakes
I know I got the best shot, for taking you out of the race
And every time I think of him it makes me sick
And I don't wanna know just what happened then
In the van right in front of my house
That's where you sold me out, girl
You didn't have a clue
- Save your Breath, Hit The Lights


Job situation: none. I've been putting in applications to lots of daycares, small newspapers and clothes stores - nothing. I'm making flyers for babysitting and I'm hoping that will do something to get me some money. I need it. If I could just get a damn agent... man, that would terrific. I'm too young.

Mono situation: It sucks. I'm on so many meds that if I even think about going out to drink I will probably explode. It doesn't feel like summer yet because I've been sick. Oh well, I better get better soon.

Car situation: My aunt is selling a 1996 Grand Jeep Cherokee for a good amount. So, if I ever do get a job I might be able to get it. In truth, I need one. Not just so I can say I finally have a car, just so I can run my own errands and do my own things without borrowing my moms van constantly. I need to research for my upcoming book and the only way I can get places to interview people would be in a car - my car.

Book situation: I'm working on it and to tell you the truth, this book is good. Much better technically then Addiction. Maybe it is just because my writing has changed and I am paying more attention to different audience views and opinions, but whatever it is - it's working. Here's a short summary/synopsis of the plot so far:

What do you do when your life seems to be slowly ripping at the seems? How do you react when the family you once thought was picture perfect, is now nothing but a ripping quilt - each patch from the past suddenly fading away?
Lylie Summers has never been one of the most well known girls at her school and in reality she had always dreaded High School and her upcoming senior year. When her parents unexplainably and suddenly decide to get divorced, Lylie doesn't know what to do. Should she concentrate on her own interests of photography or help her struggling younger sister who has quickly taken a turn for the worse by turning to drugs and perhaps suicide to cope?
But when a possible love interest shows some sort of attention towards Lylie, how can she trust him or her own instincts? How can she even try to love someone else when she can't love herself or trust the people around her who have broken all of her beliefs? What is really worth holding onto when it comes to a falling apart world - The love of others or the love of yourself?

Writers Digest Writers Conference 2007 NYC

"Find what you're passionate about and write," said editor Judy Hottenson during the conference lunch break. I didn't expect going to NYC coming back learning more about myself then the trade, but after returning home from the conference - I learned just that.

With just being found positive for mono, I went to NYC with an open mind, tired eyes from driving 5 hours and a hungry energy, excited to learn. At roughly around 7:40 am, I had already registered and was sitting downstairs looking through my pamphlet when Jodi Picoult walked by to get ready for her key note opening speech. I felt like a middle school girl at their first boy band concert - I felt like I had just seen a celebrity and really I had. At 8:30, Jodi gave a great speech which woke me up and opened my ears. She was very down to earth and real, making jokes about the research she had done and how she had to work to make her ordinary, healthy life and more fictional one. I couldn't stop smiling. Something that she said that made me interested had to do with her research. She stated, "Don't write what you know, but what you are willing to learn." I loved it. To be able to hear my favorite author speak about her trials and hardships made me realize how badly I want to be a part of this craft.

The first session I attended was a session about Your Breakout Novel - spoken by the agent Donald Maass. He began in a slightly depressed tone by began to open up by creating a workshop environment where we had to think about the current novel we were creating. I thought of the novel I am currently writing, A Separation of Heart, and about them main charactors, or in my usual case, the three of them. He brought us through different ways to jump into the protagonist's head and become them which helped me quite a bit.

Then it was lunch. Being it hurt too much to eat, I barely did. I sat at a table of woman who had to be twice or three times my age. I found myself trying to act older and more mature, folding my napkin on my lap, cutting the chicken with a knife (which I never do) and beginning polite conversation. Some of the women said that they were so enjoyed to see someone my age beginning their writing career so early in their life. Im pretty happy about that too.

After lunch I got to get 19 Minutes signed by Jodi Picoult, which I had been looking forward to all morning. When she asked me for my name, I swear I almost forgot. Then I got it right and asked for a photo to be taken, obviously. She said that we could be twins because of our hair and I laughed nervously. I still can't believe she was right there .

The last part of the afternoon was a session on Young Adult Writing that I attended because that audience is my main concentration. From that session, I learned that this is what I want to do. I want to be a novelist and really I am already. Whether I accomplish this in the next 10-20 years or if I end up self publishing, no matter what I will do it.

I would have attended the pitch slam if I had been prepared but by 3:00, I was already dead. I didn't feet too good but I knew I had learned a lot. I learned that I need to write and concentrate on what I love. Sure I will have lots of other careers alongside writing, but I will make room to have it. Because I have always made room to write and how could I possibly stop now.

And just like editor Will Shwalbe said, "When you see your book being read on the subway, you know you'll make it." And believe me, I will.

'turn out the lights'

So summer has officially begun and it has begun with me being sick. It isn't even sick exactly, it's that my tonsils/glands are sooo swollen that it hurts to eat, drink or move my neck. My body feels drained and when I went to the doctors, all they told me was that my lymphnodes were swollen. Um, duh? I knew that already. He said it could either be mono, toncilitis (meaning I'd have to get my tonsils out) or just my glands fighting something. Whatever it is, it hurts like hell and is pissing me off.

Tomorrow night @ 2 am I leave for NYC. Can you say excited? I can't wait to be there, learning about ways to make my writing better with people who are just as interested in novel writing as I am. I got an outfit and am just hoping to feel somewhat better by tomorrow night. It will be a long drive in the dark and I probably wont be able to sleep. I have a portfolio made up just in case and a notebook. I'm ready.

I miss MCC and everyone there. It feels weird not being around them every day and night. My room is cluttered with memories of them and it's hard to look at photos without some crazy memory taking over. I miss it all and can't wait until next year.

By the way, I might be getting a car. If I get a job... sweet!

It's funny how people change

We were merely freshman...

Let's see how much people can change from the beginning of their first year of college to the end of the first year. I'm gunna put some pics up from the very first day of MCC to the last. Let's just see how I've survived and who has, or hasn't, helped me to become who I am now.

"For the life of me I cannot remember

What made us think that we were wise and

We'd never compromise

For the life of me I cannot believe

We'd ever die for these sins

We were merely freshmen."

MonroeCC '06-'07